Cursing.

Swearing.

Last night I was going to the theatre with my Mother-in-law and her group of friends. I go with them all the time, it feels like I’ve been adopted as their daughter, by all of them. But it’s really nice and they are all lovely ladies.

They know about my disability but they’ve never seen me at my worst with my chronic pain.

The theatre we go to put on brilliant, hilarious shows, though last nights wasn’t, but the seats are more like church pews, very hard wooden seats with a tiny cushion and a very hard back. I’m often sore when we go, but as Master had said once, “You enjoy the shows, the company, the food. So if you need a few days rest to recover then so be it. You have to still live your life.”

But after having the last 2 months on sick leave, unable to go out at all, due to a shockingly bad flare up, I hoped it was finally over. Last week was the first time I’d been shopping, or just gone out, so I thought going to the theatre would be fine.

But by the time I got to the theatre I felt my back begin to pound and throb. Luckily my Mother-in-law had some diazepam in her bag so I took one, hoping this would ease the pain. It worked for half an hour, then the sharp spasm pains began. It was really hard sitting in the one awkward position before we could finally get up and leave the theatre.

Walking was extremely painful and I knew I was getting slower. One of the ladies took my handbag and walked with me, finally reaching the car was such a relief for me.

BUT, I couldn’t get in the car, my Mother-in-law has a high up car, with no side step, as I tried to get one leg up, I couldn’t then bend to get in. The lady with my bag suggested I kneel up first, so I tried that. It took me a few goes before I swore, “ Fudging hell.” as I fell, face forwards onto the car seat. Finally I was kneeling on the door frame, I turned my body into the footwell, facing the seat. From there I was able to pull myself up, turn and collapse into the seat. I felt so humiliated and ashamed of myself just not being able to climb into the car, my back was pounding as I got my seat belt on, the lady put my bag on the floor then carefully closed the door.

As we drove home I starting thinking about Daddy and about me swearing. I was so mad with myself as I’d been really good at not using bad language, I hadn’t said the f bomb in weeks. I may have said it in my head, but even that was rare.

I knew I had to tell Daddy, but I was scared of his response, and honestly, I was scared of having a mouth soaping. But mostly I felt like I had let him down, I’d let myself down and I was very disappointed in myself.

I decided when I got home that I was going to do my ‘arrived home safe’ message as a video. I needed to own up there and then. So holding the phone up, I firstly told him about the play, then chatted about the meal and the ladies before I told him. Explaining how I couldn’t get in the car and about me swearing. Suddenly all my emotions flooded out, as I began to cry, telling him over and over that I’d let him down, I’d ruined 2 really good weeks with this, that was so so sorry. I stuttered, heaving deep breaths. Daddy was going to be so cross I thought as I continued the message, before saying night night and hanging up.

I went to bed with a heavy heart,  guilt is a terrible thing to drag you down. As I got into bed, the dogs finally settled, I hugged Minxsie bear, before finally going to sleep and I slept really well for once.

When I got up and woke up properly, I looked at my messages, I was nervous when I saw Daddy had left me a message, so I clicked play. I heard his reply, he understood why the f bomb slipped out, and as my Daddy he had to decide why the situation happened and if it warranted a punishment. On this occasion, knowing how bad the last 2 months had been, he was not going to punish me for it. If I had sworn in a road rage or just during a chat, that would be a different matter. He was not going to alter my behaviour chart, or even put in a comment about it. But young lady this does not mean I’m being a soft Daddy, left me tell you now, this is not a free pass for you to swear whenever you feel like it, you will feel the wrath of Daddy if you start swearing again. But for now, you have not let me down, you’ve not let yourself down or anything else.

I breathed deeply whilst I listened to him, relieved yet still upset with myself but grateful Daddy wasn’t cross with me. I guess sometimes on the very rare occasion, Daddy could forgive me for swearing but only on a very rare occasion. I just need to forgive myself now too.

I was surprised how upset I was, making me realise how much I wanted to please not just Daddy but Master too and how much better it feels being a good girl than a bratty girl always in trouble. Though I know the bratty side will come out at times but if it’s only every now and then I don’t think that’s too bad.