Results day.

Yesterday was a nervous and stressful day, it was results day for my best friend, L, had the cancer gone? was her swollen armpit something sinister? How is her breast / scar?

Also the memory clinic was coming to see mum and dad, giving mum the results from her latest memory test. Previous results have been 80/100 but the last one fell down to 50/100. I had asked to be there so I could ask questions and also just be another ear to listen to what they said. Now originally when dad gave me the date it was the 5th july. I remember saying, oh I’m glad it’s not on the 4th as I’m going with L to get her results. Anyway, dad said he didn’t want me there as he knew mum wouldn’t be happy about it. Nothing unusual there, but I felt it was important I was there, dad does forget things, doesn’t hear well and won’t speak honestly in front of mum whereas I would. But everytime I asked to be there for these appointments, mum has thrown a fit so dad would tell me not to come. Two weeks ago dad changed his mind and said yes come. Knowing my parents I waited until closer to the date for him to change his mind. They phoned on Monday, supposedly dad had discussed the impending appointment with mum and they would like me to be there, but he then said the date was the 4th, not the 5th. I said you told me the 5th, I remember saying oh thank god it’s not the 4th because I was going with L. He said no it’s the 4th. So I intended to go round early, spend some time with them, then hopefully be there for when the people arrive before I had to go to L’s house.

So yesterday I was getting ready to leave when dad phoned. Mum was hysterical, why were the memory clinic coming again? Why are you coming? I don’t need anyone around to tell me my memory is going. Dad said he mentioned they were coming at breakfast time and that I was coming and she just went mad. What am I forgetting? Write it down so I know, your dad is never happy, I can’t do anymore than I’m doing, I cook, clean, do the laundry, garden, shop, but he’s never happy. In truth mum has done nothing except sleep for a few years now. There was no calming her down, these tantrums are not new, she will throw them to get what she wants and it works. Dad has always given in.

Dad told me not to come. I phoned an hour later to see if things had calmed down but mum was still at it. By this time we got the usual comments, I’m useless, if I’m not doing anything, I may as well be dead, I’m a fucking waste of space. I tried calming her down but she wouldn’t stop her barricade, if I’m that bad, I’d rather be dead, why can’t you just leave my memory alone, you talk about it non-stop.   

I don’t know how dad copes with this, though he is used to these outbursts, but over the last few years, these tantrums have become much worse. In the end dad just put the phone down. In the evening I phoned them again to see what the memory clinic said, mum was still going, anyway they never turned up. Now will they come today, like dad originally told me?

One of the big problems I have is I can’t speak to dad alone, he puts the phone on loudspeaker and always brings mum into the conversation even though she never speaks, I’m going to phone him about 8am today, hopefully mum will be asleep so I can find out just what happened yesterday. The problem is dad still doesn’t get the fact that mums brain just isn’t the same. You can’t ask her opinion, ask what she’s done, you have to think ahead and these days you have to lie so she thinks we’ve discussed it and agreed to it. But dad still sees it as a betrayal, it must be terribly hard for him after over 50 years of marriage he now has to make the decisions for them both. Dad should never have told mum who was coming, or that I was coming. I had planned on popping around to see them and oh I didn’t know anyone was coming today, pretending it was all a surprise. Instead by telling her, she’s had time to throw a tantrum until she got what she wanted, and that was me not going, he doesn’t help the situation. Dad is going to phone the clinic today and find out why they didn’t come, we need help, how do we prevent these tantrums, how do we give her, her meds as she refuses to take them and dad won’t crush them into food as he sees it as deceitful instead of helping. I can only advice dad, it’s up to him to do it, but at what point do I say, you are not helping, and I have to take over. As I can see this happening.


But the fantastic news is that L has been given the all clear. The dr said, I like it when I have to say this but get lost, I don’t want to see you again, I don’t want you back here again. Go and start this new chapter of your life, get used to the new you with your breast like it is.It’s a new beginning.

I think we were in shock. Her breast is still swollen, her swollen armpit is just her body healing, getting the radiation out of her body. Her breast is still tender but will go in time, the scar tissue will heal but still feel hard. But he is very happy with the results. She will go for regular mammograms now, if there are any change she feels or sees in her breast, she must phone the cancer clinic immediately, don’t go to your GP first. I said I wanted the phone number and told her mum she must have the number too, just incase we need it for L. So this appointment lasted less than 5 minutes, by the time we were back in the car, I think we were all shocked, in a dazed state of happiness, wanting to cry with relief but no tears would come. We went for dinner on the way home to celebrate. Now she can look ahead, unfortunately this means facing more operations as both knees are giving way again, she thinks one knee will need a full replacement again, and the other she thinks will need a hinge replacement, both big operations. But they are causing so much pain, and getting around physically is becoming hard work. But she’s had these operations before so she knows what to expect.

So that was my day yesterday, a nervous, stressful but happy day.



When Teri got to the bedroom she found a lemon coloured blouse  and and black and yellow gingham, pleated skirt, a black sports bra, black panties, black knee high socks and black slippers. There was a black hairband and black bobbles. Teri had to be honest she loved the outfit, she was Sara’s sister looking like this.

“So we would wear this stuff only when we are together ?” Ri asked.

“Yes, anytime we are together, if it’s the whole weekend, or just an evening, Daddy will expect you to wear something like this. He will probably take you shopping to buy a selection of outfits, pyjamas and stuff once you decide if it’s what you want. “ Sara said.

“So these rules, I wouldn’t have to do them 24/7 would I ? Surely it would be just when we are together. I mean we aren’t living together.” Ri asked.

“Yes you would babe, Daddy will expect you to follow everything, every rule set, he will expect it to be followed and you know he will check up.” Sara told her.

“I didn’t think it would be all the time. When he said he owned me, does that mean I would only belong to him, I couldn’t play with others.” She asked.

“Well that’s a question for him, but if he ends up collaring you, like mine, then yes he owns you, every bit of you.” Sara told her.

“Did you get to choose the rules ? Or have a say ? “ Teri asked.

“Well not really, Daddy had already written them down, we discussed them, what he expects of me and that was it. Then over time, new rules have been added. There are gonna be rules you don’t like, like I hate my bedtime and doing the lines but I do them.” Sara said. “Anyway, come on, get dressed. “

Teri started undressing, suddenly uncomfortable for some reason, but thankfully it was only for a second. The girls had seen each other naked many times, so she quickly threw her clothes on the floor and put the new ones on. They fitted perfectly, she giggled when she saw herself in the mirror, then when Sara stood next to her, they knew this was the perfect fit, a great combination.

“Why is there a hairband and bobble, do I have to use both ?” Teri asked.

“I’d say so. Put your hair in a ponytail then put your head band around too.” Sara told her. So Teri did just that and she had to admit, it looked good.

“Okay ready to go downstairs ?” Sara asked.

“Yes. let’s do this.” She held Sara’s hand then giggling they went downstairs to see Si. His smile from ear to ear proved just how happy he was, and proud.

“Teri, you look stunning, you both do. My Baby girls, my little girls.”  He said.

“Come sit down, I want to discuss some other bits and just do a rough list of rules.” Si said. “Every time we discuss something or plan to meet up, Sara will always be with us, Then eventually there may be times where we meet up seperately. But that is for the future, I don’t want her to be jealous if we meet separately, the same as I don’t want you jealous when I’m with Sara. You know Sara and I are in a relationship, we will have a D/s relationship, hopefully in the future, you may join our relationship. Come sit on the rug both of you.”

The girls sat next to each other in their cute little outfits, they had no idea what was coming. Si had an A4 notebook on the table and wrote down everything as he said it.

“Now to start with, just while we are in the trial period, I’m going to give you some rules that you must follow, this is a must. Okay ?” Teri nodded. “So the first one is trust. I do not like lying, do I Sara ?” “No Daddy never.” Sara said. “So no lying, ever. Be obedient all the time Teri. I demand respect, I won’t tolerate any disrespect or cursing. I have the final say on all decisions. You must always tell me where you are and who you are with. a little text to say you are home every day after work. But you must have permission to go out. Answer your phone every time I phone or message you. You must ask me, before making any plans, no matter how small.  Little girls need their sleep so set bedtimes will be for you too. Now I know your up very early, 5.30-6am, so bedtime is set for 9.30pm, no TV, you may read until 10.30pm. So When I say bedtime is 9.30, that means in bed for 9.30. Do not start arguing Sara because the times are different.” He sternly told Sara looking at her firmly. “I can see you’re ready to have a tantrum. Teri is not up every night from 3-4am like you, she sleeps until her alarm goes off. Don’t you Teri ?” He asked, she nodded quickly. “So end of that discussion. Like Sara you will actually go up 15 minutes early, that should give you enough time to shower and be in bed for 9.30pm, if you need more time then you go up at 9. Send me a good night message to say you are going to bed. No internet after 8pm, NONE Teri, no Ipad, Chromebook, phone, unless it’s a message from me. Breaking rules will be dealt with a punishment, breaking rules continuously with be dealt with a severe punishment. All punishments will be arranged for when I can do it. If IF you want to discuss an issue, then do so without arguing or raising your voice. Understand everything so far Teri ?”
“Yes Daddy I do, but could I have a copy of my rules so I can remember them please ?” Teri asked politely.

“Yes, of course you will. These rules are mainly just the basics for now, there will be more if you agree to it.  Finally for now, never raise your voice to me, Do not stick your tongue out at me, roll your eyes, do the “whatever” thing that basically means go fuck yourself and never say No to me, especially for sex.” Si told her. There was no response from either of the girls. “Teri, do you understand, you’re not saying anything ?”
“No sorry Daddy. I’m taking it all in. And these rules are just the basics ? how many more are there ? How will I remember them ?” She asked.

“Daddy will train you, so it will be by you making mistakes, Daddy punishing you, then hopefully you will learn from that one punishment. If not then Daddy will punish you harder until eventually you don’t do it anymore. But I will be here to help you, I know I get into a lot of trouble but I do know the rules. Daddy will type them out properly and put them in a folder like he did for me.” Sara told her, holding her hand for comfort. “‘I’ll help you.”

“Sara I’m proud of you for offering to help your Babysister. And it will help.” Si told her. He stroked her cheek before kissing her. “That’s made me very proud of you.”

“So do I sign this now ? I’ve read that subs are given contracts to sign.” Teri said.

“No, not yet. See how you feel after this weekend. It may take a few months before you feel you are ready. I don’t want to push you until you are ready. Talk to Sara, talk to me. I can’t know how you feel unless you tell me. If it’s easier, write it in a book, would that help ? “ Si asked and Teri nodded.

“I know it might sound silly, but when we are playing or having sex, I’d rather write it down for a while. It’s only coz you’re like family to me and having sex with family, well you know.” Teri said.

“Then that’s settled, you can have your own book to write in, but I will read it anytime, In fact every time we meet, bring it. I want you to be very honest in it though. If you discuss it with Sara, write it down.” Si told her. She nodded.


“Okay, let’s stop being so serious, more drinks girls ? “ Si asked. “Choose a film to watch.”

“Frozen, please Daddy, please.” Sara asked.

“Sara I think it’s fair that Ri chooses today. You can choose next. Okay ?” Si asked.

Pouting a bit, she said “Okay Daddy, it’s fair.”

“Good girl. So Ri you choose now.” Si went to get more drinks, he was only giving the girls less than half a glass each time, but they hadn’t seemed to notice.

When he returned, Teri said “Matilda Daddy please, it’s my favourite.”
Si inwardly groaned, how many hundreds of times had he watched this with Sara.


Si put it on, sat in the middle of the sofa, with his girls either side of him. He couldn’t have been happier as he kissed the top of their heads.




Mixed week.

Had a mix of a week, I did a long blog earlier in the week, I always type out first in Google Documents the copy and paste it. Master had told me to do it that way because if ever you lose the document, you can always find it in there.

Not so on Tuesday, I think I pressed cut instead of copy. It always annoys the  hell out of me as I take my time blogging, wanting to say everything.

So cut to the short version; Master and I did some gardening over last weekend, we had some heavy things to lift, so rather wake up E who came home at 6am, from a night of clubbing, we decided to do it ourselves. I was surprised Master agreed but I think even he just wanted to get it done, waiting for E to wake up, well it could be 6pm before he emerges. So we did it and I must say we achieved a lot over the weekend.

But come Sunday I was getting sorer, my walking became more of a shuffle so by 7pm, I asked Master if he minded if I went to bed. He said No, so I started to try and get up off the settee, it took me 15 minutes, sometimes it helps if Master helps but I knew this time, I needed to do it myself. Eventually I stood up, Master gave me my tablets and said Do you want anything else bringing upstairs ? I replied No, so Master went ahead without realising my legs had turned to stone and I just couldn’t move them.  Called E, who was in the kitchen for help, and held onto him until 25 minutes later I reached the stairs. I got comments from E like

I would like some blood flowing through my arm……..or

I don’t want my bones broken Mum…….or

I wouldn’t hold onto the babygate, it’s only held up by 2 metal bars, it won’t ermmmm It won’t … know ? …..erm ……it isn’t that strong.

I replied, It’s a good job I can hardly move, otherwise I would whack you. Laughing. He does make me feel good about myself at times. I hsd to crawl up the stairs, on the mini landing we’ve no bannister rail, I called for Master to help. We are both on the chunkier side and the landing is mini so having us both on it, trying to shuffle me around to get to the sairs was quite hysterical.

Anyway got up, Master helped to undress me, I got into bed then he had to give the dogs their super, Half a dentastick and 1 flat low fat chew each.

Monday I was supposed to meet L, I was taking her to hospital for a massage, we were going earlier so we could meet some of the gang we became friends with. But just as I was going to message her to cancel, she messaged me to say she’s cancelling the appt because she’s got an infected insect bite which she got the previous Monday. I told her I was cancelling as I was too sore, she said she would buy us a lunch meal deal, stay for coffee then go home. It turns out, L has got cellulitis, a skin infection from the bite. Her resistance is obviously next to nothing from the radiation. She had just been to the Drs, so she phoned to say she wasn’t staying, but she would do the shopping then go home. I told her not to bother but L is as stubborn as me, and wouldn’t take no for an answer. When she came round her leg was bright red, with this small dot from the bite. She has to keep it raised and rested. I was so sore I couldn’t see her out, she waved from the car, then I decided to take my lunch and go to bed. With me and the dogs sharing my lunch, I fell asleep for a few hours.

Tuesday was a better day, though I still rested as I was having lunch out with the theatre girls on Wednesday, it seems I’ve now been included with the Birthday lunches, everyone gives in £5 so the birthday girl can buy something special.

Master said just see how I was for the meal as I had the theatre on Thursday night plus a car show on Sunday.

But I did feel okay for the meal. It was somewhere I’ve been to loads and always have crispy chilli beef with warm salad, but with no peppers, My Mother-in-Law, S, who had saved me a seat next to her, she decided to try it too, and we both loved it. In fact everyone’s meals look yummy. Half of us had desserts, the other half was being good and just had a coffee, I said Well as you all got weighed this morning, technically that means it’s a fat free, calorie free day, so puddings were allowed. S picked Eton Mess, which is crushed meringue, strawberries, strawberry sauce and whipped cream, I picked Lemon tart with salted caramel ice-cream, it was lush. There was a white chocolate straw which I saved until last.

We had a lovely time, arranged the next date for a double birthday do too.

But on Thursday, I was really sore again. Master said Maybe cancel the theatre and see how you are for Sunday. I agreed as I really wanted to go on Sunday.

I rested Friday but was still struggling to walk, Master kept saying I don’t think you will be doing Sunday. I was tempted to pretend I was okay, but I knew I would be stupid if I did go.

Friday we managed to colour my hair, deep plum again, I love this colour it’s so rich and shiny, Master thinks it’s quite dark but it does lighten up.

On Saturday I was due to get my nails done, but decided I shouldn’t go, Master agreed so I cancelled it and made another for Wednesday instead, I have some clothes that need altering, so I can do that and I must buy some multi-way bras as I’ve a load of dresses I can’t wear until I buy some clear strapped bras or bras where you can change the strap, as I’ve some diamante straps  to put on. So I will try to do that on Wednesday.

What I’m most pissed about is that I can’t go to the car show tomorrow. Master has actually forbade me to go, but I think I would have said I can’t go anyway. It would be 1 ½ hours drive to get there, and it’s not in a field, it’s parking the car along the promenade. Just the entire road taken up by kit cars. I’m gutted as we were taking the new car, and the club haven’t seen it yet. But as Master said it’s only 5 weeks until we have our holiday so I have to get it better for then. And we are booked for loads more car shows and I’m sure we will do this one again, unless Master thinks it’s rubbish.


So let’s look ahead, stop doing stupid things, think before doing it, if I’m thinking I shouldn’t do it then that means don’t, pace myself, then maybe Master will fuck me until I scream, squirt and have multiple orgasms, and AND Master might start playing and spanking me. Though I can’t have bruises for the holiday as it’s our Naturist holiday. Take every day as it comes, I’ve got the theatre on Thursday, so I will take care for that, Shrek The Musical. I’ve seen it once and it was great, we are taking our niece this time, though at 12 she thinks she may be too old for it plus coming out with her Auntie, Nana and another older lady may not be cool. But I think she will find it funny, understanding the more adult jokes too.

Conversation with Master.

E went out to play pool with his mates so it gave Master and I a chance to discuss our dynamics or lack of as our D/s has been missing for a few months.

So Master’s gripes are having to tell me to do the same thing over and over.

( This is something he is like with family and work life, he tells someone once and expects it done first time. )

This is something that will always happen with me, but if Master punished me for not doing it, then I’m learning and I expect after a few punishments, I will do it first time.

He doesn’t like it when I become bratty when I’m with E or with the family, knowing he can’t do anything about it, I said but you can, if you don’t like it then make a point as soon as we are alone to show me how you didn’t like it. Punish me as you see fit. And I know sometimes you won’t spank me because I love it, but you can spank harder, you’ve done it before, but if that’s one of the things that annoys you, then it needs stopping.

He said well it’s not like how a slave would act.

I thought about this, and said, I’ve always said our dynamic was halfway past submissive to slave. I quite like being bratty, still being me, my personality is being cheeky and bratty at times. I thought you’ve always said you don’t want a Stepford Wife, I don’t want to be a full slave who could only speak if spoken too, who can’t do anything without permission. I don’t want to be like some slaves I chat too. Is this what you want ?

Totally, yes, if we were on our own that’s exactly what I’d want, but I thought that’s what you wanted too. If you want to be bratty, it sounds like you’d rather be a little, a baby girl.

I thought about this, Yes maybe, I’ve often thought I’m more baby girl, but you’ve said you didn’t like the idea of being my Daddy Dom, so I’m happy with that. But being Submissive not a slave, means I could still be me a bit. I said.

Okay, but you read things and think it’s a good idea, you tell me, I agree then you do it once or twice then stop. I mention it a few days later, then you pull a face about doing it. You said when I come home you would like to take my shoes off and give me a foot rub, but it’s never happened after the first day. You have the ideas but you won’t submit which shows me you don’t want to do it. A submissive is someone who wants to do anything to make the Dom happy. A slave should just do it automatically.

Okay I agree with this, I think I was just expecting you to tell me to do it, so now I realise I should just do it without you telling me. So is there anything else I do that really gets you annoyed and makes you think I don’t want this ? I asked.

The faces you pull when I tell you to do something, like you argue about doing more lines, what am I supposed to do, it just gets tiresome. Do I tell you to do more lines, 10, 20, 30 pages.

Yes, I said. As my Dom, you need to train me to be the submissive you want me to be, it takes both of us to make it work. I know that if I argued about lines and you then gave me 10 pages to do daily, I would stop. But I can’t help the faces I pull.

Immediately, my face started to do what it does well, and Master said here goes, we get the sucking of the lip, then chewing it, the grimace, the stare that could kill, then we get the messing with your lip stud, it makes you look like Popeye. We normally then get a muttered swear word that you think I don’t hear.

I giggled then as Master copied my expressions.

I really can’t help it, it’s part of me, I told him. Thinking about the scene in 50 shades where she rolls her eyes at him, and gets her first spanking because he had told her never to roll her eyes at him.

Right okay,  I realise I now need to do more for you, without you having to ask me to do it. But I need more from you too, so if I do something you don’t like, or disrespect you or whatever, you need to show me you’re not happy. If that’s a spanking, or more set lines or an essay or set me a task, something to show me I’ve done something wrong and disappointed you, so I don’t do it again. I feel like I’ve been almost ignored, a year ago, you would touch me whenever you fancied, fuck me almost daily or you may just play with me or give me a spanking, recently I’ve felt like there’s been nothing from you. I know when my back is bad you leave me alone and I appreciate that but there’s always something we can do. I just want to feel wanted by you, and at the moment, I’ve felt you don’t. I know months ago we had a similar conversation where I asked why hadn’t you touched me for weeks, And you said, as you’re Master I will touch you when I want, plus the longer you wait the more you will enjoy it. Once you explained it, I understood, but this has been months now. Where there’s been no playing, no D/s. I thought I wasn’t supposed to ask you to fuck me or pay me attention.

He said, I leave you alone when you’re too sore, but maybe yes there are still things we can do. But also, look at the chore chart, you started well, then you’re back was bad so I let you have some sick days, but then you’ve never done it again.

Well yes, I agree with that too, I hate cleaning so yes, I told him, laughing a little, I stopped doing some things but still do some of the chores. I suppose even when my back is sore, I could still do some things, like if its dusting, I could do upstairs in the morning, downstairs in the afternoon, it doesn’t take long. Okay, I will restart the chart.

The other thing is I feel you don’t realise I can’t do anything when I’m at work, I can’t go on our whatsapp chat and start ordering you to do things. It’s not like my old job where I could watch you have a wank or do the cleaning, I have to trust you to do them. But if I have a break, 5 minutes free, I can go on my phone and see if you’ve sent me your daily photos, then if you haven’t, I will reprimand you then. But otherwise I can’t do anything when I’m in work.

I said, okay, what if I only go on our chat to send you the photos but that’s it, I don’t send you anything on there, I can message for a vanilla conversation on our normal chat, then when you’re not working, I can message on our Kinky chat as much as I like.

Yes, Master said, that would be a help. But also now I know you don’t want to be a slave, like a slave should be, it helps me understand why you do certain things.

It’s this old label thing again isn’t it, I said.

Instead of making it a label, then can we be just us, we have our D/s life around our vanilla family life. Master said. I’d love to have it 24/7, but it really doesn’t work for us.

But other couples manage to work around it too, they have the same issues we have, not having the house alone, being around normals, we’ve done it before so we can do it again. I explained.

Is there anything else you want to talk about ? I asked Master, he shook his head, I shook mine too. So from tomorrow we are both going to make more of an effort ?

Yes, Master agreed. I do love you. He told me.

I love you too. I told him.I honestly don’t know what I would have said if Master had said he didn’t want to continue with our D/s life. But thankfully I know he loves it, he loves spanking me, degrading me, humiliating me, and I love it too, so there’s no chance of it stopping.

Next rant of the week.

Seems my week for ranting rather than talking about the lovely play’s me and Master have. Or even the punishments. There seems to be no D/s in our life at the moment which is really upsetting me, I do need to speak with Master about it, I long for it, need it to make my days go better, I function better with it, but for one reason or another Master seems to be distracted or he feels we don’t have the time alone much to play, but we used to still manage to continue D/s. Anyway that’s not the topic of today’s rant.

Today’s rant is my weight.

Over the 14 years since I became disabled my weight has piled on, not surprisingly really due to all the things I now can’t do. And over these years my parents have often lectured me about losing weight. And it does feel like a lecture. Now I know they are only saying this out of love and concern, but for me it just infuriates me. Today they said they would pay for the cost of going to Weight Watchers or any other class I wanted to go to.

Today was not the day to do the fat conversation when my pain level was way over 15/10 and I could hardly move. Plus I went to bed this morning, taking 2 diazepam but today it’s left me feeling really drugged all day.

These conversations always get me so mad because they’ve no idea how hard it is for me now. I hide my pain from them if I can, so they don’t see what I’m like day in day out. Yet they say they understand I can’t do exercises, go swimming, or go to the gym. My dog walk is such a slow pace, it certainly wouldn’t raise my heart beat, then there are days I can’t walk them at all.

And they know this. All this came from when I visited them on Monday. Dad said Mum has done nothing but talk about your weight since you came. I replied a bit meanly by saying well don’t forget she forgets what she just said. Then he asked the question no girl, whatever size you are, wants to be asked, Can I ask what weight you are ? No Dad you can’t. I replied, getting more frustrated. Well do you know what weight you are ? He asked. No Dad, I don’t. I told him.

Is there nothing the Drs can do for you ? He asked. No, I’ve tried the diet pill that basically means you leak oil out of your arse all the time unless you are eating very healthily, and it’s as disgusting as it sounds so I soon stopped them as with wearing no panties, it got pretty messy. But I didn’t say that bit to Dad lol.

But no other help other than going to the fat club in the hospital, but that is really for very very big people. As they work with them to lose weight to then have a gastric band or sleeve fitted. Then they continue working with them to help with the weight loss. Apparently I am nowhere near heavy enough to be granted for surgery. So unless you’ve about 20 grand to give me to go privately, surgery is not an option either. I told him.

Well can’t we pay for you to go to Weight Watchers, he asked. I don’t need to go to Weight Watchers, I would use Fitness Pal which is a free app on my phone. I replied. But when your pain is so bad, you just don’t care what you eat, you just want something quick and easy, something that doesn’t involve a lot of standing, plus when I’m in pain I want something nice to eat.

Food has always been my comfort.

What have you eaten today ? Dad asked.  Oh God Dad, I had toast with lemon curd at 5am, I went to bed at 9am, with a coffee, a chocolate chip muffin and the remaining matchmakers out of the box. About 9 sticks of chocolate. Then I fell asleep until 11am. At lunch we didn’t have much in so I used 4 very small slices of a crusty loaf that had gone a bit stale, put ham and some crumbled cheese on it and toasted it in the oven. Then I had a chocolate muffin. I told him. Yes I know it’s too much, yes I know it’s not healthy but frankly I just don’t care at the moment. Even G has asked for sweets as his stress has been high, I continued to say, I’ve been buying cakes, but not just 1 each, usually 2, sometimes more. E doesn’t eat them as he’s on the shakes so these are cakes for me and G. I said.

Well can’t you use the shakes E has ? Dad asked. No Dad, I’m not allowed to use the shakes anymore, if you remember when I went on the Cambridge Diet for 2 years, but with no stomach lining protector, all the meds I take went straight through my system. The anti-inflammatories caused so much damage to my small intestine, 5 years ago I needed a bowel realignment, a foot was removed due to it being covered in ulcers in various forms of growing or infected. This was the reason for 4 previous years of chronic tummy pain. The Drs learnt of my 2 years on the Cambridge Diet, claiming this was the cause as there was no food in my system for all that time because I was taking 3 shakes a day, there was no protection. Master or my GP would never agree to let me go on that again.

Plus since the operation, I can’t eat so many different foods, it’s quite hard to do a meal and the IBS has increased greatly.

The only way to try to dieting is by using the Fitness Pal app, which counts your calories for you, but of course this only works if you try yourself.

And I’m just not ready to try yet again, it’s always disheartening as I may lose ½ a pound, one week, then next week I could put a pound back on. I always do better if Master does it with me though, as we can help each other, prepare proper meals and it does work, the weight slowly comes off until I get to the plateau then nothing comes off after that.

Plus also Mum and Dad have forgotten Mum struggled with her weight all my life. She tried the Cambridge Diet when that first came out, she spent years going to Weight Watchers, she spent years just having a chunk of edam cheese and an apple as her main meal. I’m certain this is a hereditary problem.

I just get frustrated, yes I get angry and cross with them for mentioning it. Yes I know I’m very overweight, I’m not stupid, I see it every day, but my life rolls around the chronic pain I’m in, the struggles I face. Losing weight will make no difference to my pain. It’s got to come from me to start, and at the moment, this is not the time. I don’t appreciate the fat phone calls or conversations at my parents house, I know they worry about my weight and think if I lose 5 stone it would help with my pain, but even my Drs have said it will be good for you and your health but it will make no difference to your pain.

But also since we started our D/s life and I’ve started taking selfies and posting them on here, Fetlife and SpankingTube, the comments from people who love Big Beautiful Women, has also improved my confidence. In fact some people have said don’t lose weight, and since I got my new tattoo, I feel sexy in my body for the first time ever. But my parents will not be told about the tattoo, unless they notice it.


Anyway, rant over. Sorry it’s been one of those weeks where I’ve needed to rant.

Dementia / Alzheimer’s really sucks.

This is a blog mainly for myself, I needed to write down what I was feeling, regarding our life, Mum and how her dementia affects me.


Today I want to talk a bit about something that has become close to my life unfortunately, the devastating mental disease alzheimers / dementia.

We have known Mum was ill with this suspected disease for 6 years or longer. Over and over the memory tests came back as Mild Cognitive Impairment. This basically meant early alzheimer’s or dementia. In the 20 minute assessment the memory team could “ tell “ there was no change to Mum’s failing memory. They wanted no information from us, they only gauged it on the list of questions they asked in every visit. Mum started at 80/100, then stayed on 70/100 for a few years. Then a few weeks ago, it had suddenly dropped to 50/100. The team have finally agreed there is a problem, so she was going away to decide on a diagnosis and a care plan. She asked if they felt that medication would help, Dad said he thought it would be. But as we can’t get any medication inside her will adding to the number help. She has 7 tablets daily, 2 are too big so Dad breaks them in half so she has 9 a day, but at the most she may take only 2 or 3.

I know I should be happy that we may have a diagnosis but to be honest, I came to except Mum had dementia a long time ago. Dad on the other hand has only recently accepted it, finally seeing what we’ve seen all along.

The memory team were returning for another appointment, to explain what they want to do now. I wanted to be there, Dad agreed at first but now has changed his mind, Saying it may upset Mum if I’m there. Personally I’m not bothered if it upsets her, I need to know what they think, I need to tell them things and ask questions but Mum wouldn’t be happy about it. But also she would forget about it eventually too. But Dad said no.

Now I have the trouble of getting Dad to realise the help available will be of benefit to him. Such as a gardener, I know they won’t have a cleaner, but they could use a laundry facility that picks up and delivers their laundry, lastly a big thing to help would be ready meals, freshly made, companies will deliver them, put them in your freezer and it contains all the vitamins etc you need. A big help would be to have a carer to come in, just to give Mum her medication, maybe she will take them for them, though I’m not sure. Online we discovered many people suggested crunching the meds up and putting them in yoghurts or scrambled egg, I told Dad this, he thought it was a good idea.

What always happens though is Dad changes his mind, I think he feels like he’s betraying her by making all the decisions on his own, he always says, I will discuss it with Mum. But Mum can’t make those decisions as she still thinks she is doing everything, gardening, cooking, cleaning, laundry. Dad needs to understand he needs this help and be quick thinking to reply to Mum if she finds out Dad has someone doing these chores. I can understand why Dad feels awkward, Mum has always been the head of the family and now Dad needs to do it. I feel frustrated because I feel I can’t do anything until Dad starts to help himself. But he’s more concerned with making sure she doesn’t get upset, if she finds out about these things, and she will throw a major tantrum but she would get over it and then forget about it. Of course this may mean, she throws a tantrum regularly if she sees someone in the garden, picking up laundry. But at some point Dad needs to stand firm and just do it. Maybe I’m being harsh about it, I just see all of this on the outside and so does Master, my Dad’s sister and even E has suggested it when he has been around to see them.  I go through feeling guilty about feeling this way, I’ve tried putting my foot down, getting all the information for him, but its got to be him making the choices.


But why I needed to write the blog is how this disease can confuse me so much, like I know why she acts the way she does, but I still find myself questioning it.

Yesterday I went round to see them unexpectedly, Mum was in a lovely mood, like the old Mum, I always say, we sat in the garden and had a lovely catch up. Then we decided to go inside as it was quite hot out. She sat down and it was like a switch turned off, she started to doze off, Dad brought us a drink and I wanted to show them 2 videos that were of me getting in and out of Master’s new kit car. Now maybe she didn’t understand it, but there was no giggle or conversation about it. So it ended with me mainly talking to Dad. Though I always look at them both so Mum feels she is part of the conversation. But the switch had changed, if we tried to engage in a conversation, we got, I don’t know, I’m useless, I’m a waste of space, I’m just a midget, I shouldn’t be here, I’m just a little small shit.   Mum never swears.

This is the time I lose patience, I will not pander to her pity comments like Dad always does, because I don’t think it works. Dad has spent years doing this, instead of almost telling her off, telling her she can’t be these things, with all she has done in her life. She can’t have no confidence when she’s been a teacher, plus gone on stage playing the piano for different choirs, even travelling Europe for choir competitions. This is not the disease talking though, this is how Mum sees herself, and has done all her life. Dad has never built up her confidence, he says, there there to her instead.

Now I’m a bit similar to Mum, I don’t have a lot of confidence, but what’s the point complaining about being small, or curvy, I am what I am, plus Master has never allowed me to pity myself, he doesn’t pander to my insecurities, instead he builds me up, the change in me since I started to go out with him, plus have his parents build me up too, my confidence is so much greater. Yes I don’t like going to new places or mix with new people, even people I know, I feel nervous, but soon I would relax into it. And I would chat with anyone, Mum would never do that unless someone comes to speak to her, she’s never joined in by herself. She will sit with a stoney, almost bitchy evil look on her face, which in all honesty, no one would feel like going to speak to this person who looks like that. Plus she’s of the age where you should make eye contact when talking, something a lot of us don’t do, we may be looking at the TV, looking around, on your phone, this annoys her, that’s when we get the pity talk. Again this has been Mum all her life, So all these things come out fiercely when the switch changes.

The pity talk began, Dad sensed it too, so went to make another drink, bringing Mum a glass of milk. “What’s that for ?” She asked quite nastily.”It’s for your tummy, it helps soothe it.” But I’ve not mentioned anything about it ?” She said. “You have sweetie, plus you’ve been rubbing your tummy.” Dad replied patiently. “Well if you can tell my tummy is sore, even though it’s my tummy, I suppose so. I must be useless because I don’t think I am.” She was very angry. Then Dad asked,  “If I didn’t mind would I go home as he needed to have his afternoon nap.” I said “Yes of course, I was going to go now anyway.” “A nap ?” Mum said. “Since when do you have a nap. We never have a sleep during the day, what are you talking about.” She was furious. Dad tried to calmly, carefully explain that they did in fact have a sleep in the day. “Well we might have one if we are sick, but we never sleep in the day.” She started shaking violently, as Dad tried to say that he just needed a sleep today, trying to stop the conversation of having an afternoon nap. When the truth is Mum sleeps most of the day, and they both always have an afternoon nap every day. But it was too late, she was livid, like, how dare Dad suggest such a thing about them. Saying such a negative thing about them, we should be put down if we need an afternoon nap. I said I often have an afternoon nap, if I feel I need one, I will go to bed. This didn’t help.

So trying to change the subject, I said come out and see me to my car. We walked to the car, but I could clearly see Mum was really angry, I gave her a kiss and hug, saying see you soon, like I always do. I got a, yes maybe you will, back from Mum. I ignored the comment, I’m used to them, hugging Dad, I got into the car and saw Mum’s face still fiercely angry and her body shaking.

I drove home, waving to them until they were out of sight.

This is a usual typical visit to see Mum now, you have to be so careful with what you say so this switch doesn’t change, as once it’s gone, it could take hours before she’s back again. But I also know she would be asleep within 10 minutes of me leaving. Even though I know what causes this change in her, I still get confused by it. When I told Master and E they both said, you know what it is, why are you questioning it. I think it’s still me not accepting it fully, it’s horrible seeing this switch to her personality, one minute she’s Mum, next second she’s acting like this wild woman or she just sits there, like the shell of mum is there but no one is inside.


Anyway, I just had to write this mainy for me, it helps me deal with it better. Sorry to blog about a sad part of my life. Dementia / alzheimer’s really sucks.

Set bedtime sucks.

Having a set bedtime really sucks at times.

We are having a heat wave here in the UK, or it could be our summer, then at summertime it will rain all the time. Who knows, but as it’s nice weather and school holidays, the kids are out playing until it gets dark.

I feel really pathetic, when I’m getting into bed for 9 pm, when I can hear kids, little kids playing out on the street.

Last night Master was going for a drive in the new kit car. I hadn’t been allowed to go this weekend as my back was really really sore. But last night I really wanted to go, Master never asked me, which got me in a bit of a grump, so I asked if I could go. He took his helmet off and said if we go, he would not wear it as we would look daft, him wearing a helmet, me not wearing one. I’m waiting for my new goggles to arrive, which I will wear in this car. So I asked if it was better if he wore the helmet, he replied yes, so I said fine, I won’t go. Though really I did want to. So off he went at 7.30 pm. A bit later E came down and saw the car gone, so he decided he would go for a drive too. So at 8.10 pm I was home alone. E had said why didn’t I go for a drive, but I said, no, I’m going to bed soon.

So I spent my time tidying up, doing the dishwasher and laundry. By this time, E came back, saying there were too many loons on the road trying to chase you, it was too dangerous to be out. I thought he was very sensible to come home and not be tempted to race them.

I had a quick shower and got into bed. Hearing the kids playing outside made me feel so stupid. Here it was, a lovely evening, I could be sat outside enjoying the weather, reading my book, but no, I have to go to bed.

I know I’m really ratty, bad tempered, and my bratty side comes out when I’m tired, hence why Master set this 9 pm bedtime, but sometimes I just wish I didn’t have it. I know I often turn the TV off before the set 10 pm, I’m often asleep by 9.30 pm, or earlier, but tonight, A, I really wanted to go on the drive and B, I wanted to stay up and enjoy the weather.

Master came home at 9.30 pm, and I knew I was feeling pissed off as Master showed me where he had been. He knew I was pissed off, he said “I can’t miss some nice weather and not go for a drive. Tomorrow if your back is okay, we can go for a drive, Okay ?” I muttered a yes, “Come on, why are you in a grump ?” He asked. I said, “You’ve both been for a drive, and I’ve had to get a shower and get into bed, whilst I can hear kids still playing outside. I cudda sat outside reading.” “Well why didn’t you ? “He asked me. Replying grumpily, “Well I’ve a set bedtime haven’t I.” “Well you cudda done it and not told me.” Master said laughing. “I’m not gonna do that, am I. It just would be nice not to have a set bedtime.” I grumbled. I know on special occasions I can stay up later, and if I did go for a drive, Master wouldn’t make sure we were back in time for my bedtime. We would just go out and once I got home, I would go straight to bed.

But honestly, it’s the fact I can hear kids playing outside and I’m in bed. It makes me feel so foolish, even though I know I’m better for it, it still sucks that I just can’t do what I wanted and go and enjoy the weather. One any other day, if it rains, or cold, I would happily go to bed, but coz it’s nice, I wanna enjoy it. I suppose I’m just being a sulky brat, for not getting what I want, okay I know I’m being a brat, disrespecting Master’s rules and why this rule was set, but on this occasion, I just wanna break it, especially if he goes for a drive again. Sod the consequences. But I know I won’t do that. Not anymore.

Tomorrow I will just have to see how my back feels, but most important, be honest even if it’s just a tiny bit sore.

I’m just feeling sulky.

A BJ bad ending.

During the day yesterday, Master and I swapped a little bit of D/s messaging, which is always fun. He ordered me to take some sexy photos showing off my tattoos. I had to wait to do them as my dad was calling round, then I got involved in something else, so it was only when he messaged again, sending the same message about the selfies but with a question mark, did I realise I should do them now. So I stripped off, took a selection, though I never know if they are sexy or not, then sent them to Master. The messaging continued and he called me a dirty girl, so I replied saying Master should punish me for being dirty. He said after dinner I was to present him with the hand paddle and he will give me a spanking for being dirty, if I was good and looked after Master for the evening he may allow me to have an orgasm.

What a nice evening planned, I thought. When Master came home he was more attentive, brushing across my bum, lifting my dress to stroke my bum, when I went to feed the fish and spotted one of our frogs, ( they are all called Charlie, Big Charlie, Chunky fella Charlie or Baby Charlie, yes I am daft, ) Master came over and bent next to me to see him. His hand wandered to my bum, tickling my bum hole then travelled towards my pussy, now getting wet with excitement. A finger circled my hole, pushing in slightly, oh boy it felt good. But I was aware of us both crouched down by the pond, E was home, the neighbours were out cutting the grass and though they can’t see over the fence, it made me conscious that they were there. I had to stand up before I began to enjoy it too much.

A little later, still no spanking as E was around, Master asked me to take his shoes off and massage his feet. So grabbing a cushion, I sat on the floor, and gave him a nice foot massage. When I finished I asked if Master would like a blowjob, he said yes but would I like an orgasm too. I said, no. WTF. NO, why did I just say no. Something told me not too as I didn’t want to have to rush it or get disturbed, so I shocked myself by saying no. Because I was desperate for an orgasm, to be touched, even fucked if I was lucky.

Master said he would like a blowjob stood up in the kitchen as he wanted me knelt down in front of him. We went to the kitchen, Master pulled his pants down, and I began. It was a nice job, I am getting used to the larger PA, and how to put it in my mouth so it’s not deep throating me. Also learning how to nibble his head with this PA, it just takes time with each size, getting used to it, learning how to do everything I love doing with it there. Master doesn’t wear the giant balls daily, they are too uncomfy 24/7, so he only wears them when we are playing properly. So it makes it easier giving him a BJ, without them as they are just too big.

Soon, Master was close, he wanted me to go quicker, so he fisted my hair so hard, it made me cry out. He gave me a slight smack on my cheek, telling me not to cry out, but it really hurt as I was pushed back and forth faster, firmer, quicker. Then he let go of my hair and started thrusting himself quicker, his head was very close to my throat, as I tried pulling back a little, ( I don’t like deep throating ) then I felt and tasted his sweet pre-cum dribble down my throat. Just as Master’s cum started shooting into my mouth we heard footsteps coming down the stairs, I had swallowed a lot already but Master usually fires a great amount and I was sure there should have been more, but I had to slip out quickly, as Master grabbed his trousers, pulling them up and acted like he was doing something else in the kitchen, His top was pulled over his trousers as he hadn’t fastened them in time. I was holding my cushion, I couldn’t put it in the living room as E was already there talking to the dogs so I put it on a bar stool as E walked in, none the wiser of what his parents were just doing seconds before. I smirked at Master, he grinned back as he turned around and quickly fastened his trousers and belt.

E just acted as normal, well not quite as normal as he has tonsillitis again, but close enough, you know, still checking his hair looks perfect, admiring himself in the mirror, checking out his first tattoo which was healing nicely. Typical E.

But this wasn’t quite the ending we had in mind, there was no sucking and cleaning of his cock, ensuing I got every drop of his cum he had given me, no nibbles, licks or sucks as his cock became flaccid.

But it did make us both smile and giggle once E went upstairs again. It was a good job Master never gave me an orgasm or worse yet, made me squirt everywhere as this was messy play, plus I’m not that fast trying to get up, if I’m bent over so he can play. Also a good job I wasn’t over his knee getting spanked, my face would have been bright red, I could have been crying, how could I have reacted so quickly and tried to act so normal in those few seconds before he entered the room. I think he may have guessed we were playing then but at least for this occasion, Master shot his load, or most of it, before we got interrupted

The weekend and trip out.

I’ve had a busy weekend again, which is always nice.

Saturday, I got my nails done, I chose a pink colour but I don’t really like it. I like purple colours but Master said that colour was just old, so I needed another colour. I don’t like this pink, I didn’t like the lilac, which is unusual. I loved the black but Master didn’t. So next time I will look at a different colour again.


I then met I, ( E’s girlfriend ) and finally met her mum, who was really nice, they were taking me to go to I’s Auntie, who is a Seamstress, I had 4 dresses that needed shortening and E had some jeans that needed repairing. I think I’ve mentioned that the family are Portuguese and being with the 3 of them, I saw I’s fiery temper, her high maintenance and stubbornness, loudness and how they all talk incredibly fast, now I understand why E says the family is very loud. Her mum said that E needed to talk louder, to be able to join in, they all make an effort to speak English but said E and I’s sisters boyfriend need to learn Portuguese too. As it’s the norm for all the family to talk their first language. E is naturally quiet, like us, he doesn’t argue, he has learnt from Master how to discuss something without the need to shout. Though me and E do tend to talk loudly together, Master says we are arguing but it is us just talking. I’m used to my parents having loud arguments, Master has seen his mum’s fiery temper, but his dad has always stayed calm. I know that she gets pissed a him for staying calm, I feel like that with Master, over the years sometimes you just need a screaming match to feel better. So E is going to have to toughen up in this relationship, they are both stubborn, determined people, I keeps E grounded and not act foolishly like many 18 year olds do. Though now E is old enough to get into clubs, and drink, he has discovered he enjoys clubbing, then when it closes at 4am, they go to McDonald’s and apparently just stay there in their drunkard state, until they decide to get a taxi home. The first time, last week was 7.30am, yesterday it was 8.30am. I don’t know how he does it but he has decided he can only do it every few weeks as it takes him so long to recover. Neither Master nor I liked clubbing at his age, but E loves music like I do, Master would rather listen to an audio book or have radio 4 on. E videod a few seconds of them in the club, basically they jump up and down on the spot, with one hand pointing high up, the other hand holding the drink. This is their dancing !!!! Not a bit like our dancing back in the ‘80’s, lol. Unfortunately, I doesn’t like drinking or clubbing so she gets annoyed that E does, but I told her to let him have a lads night out every few weeks, it’s what we did, but it’s natural he wants to see his mates plus see her. Anyway I think this drama is over for now.

Saturday afternoon, Master was going to pick up a new kit car. Yes he has bought another. I knew it would happen soon enough, we’ve discussed how to rearrange the back garden to get 1 car in the driveway there then the others can fit as normal in the front, but a family of 3 with 5 cars is nuts. We are not like some of the gang in the car club, that own a 3-5 car garage. We have the drive and front garden. But Master can relax and all the stress leaves him when he’s messing with his cars. How long we keep 2 kit cars I don’t know but he did mention that I could possibly drive this one, it would be fun to go together in each car but also scary incase I damage it. His first kit car is a Westfield and this one is a Mev.


Top picture is the Westfield, bottom picture is the Mev.

WhatsApp Image 2018-05-21 at 10.06.36 (1)

I will put a photo up of each one.

But it was a long drive to pick it up, too long for me drive, as it was in the Cotswolds, 5 hours each way, so he asked his brother, who said, ask the wife as I’m already in trouble, so if I ask she will say no. lol, So Master asked the wife who agreed to allow her husband to go out. So off they went and got home at 9.30pm. But he is very very happy with the new Mev.

Yesterday, Master and I went to another car show in Cumbria, I did wonder if Master would want to cancel this trip as he had such a long drive the day before but he said no, we were going. He got the car ready with everything we needed Saturday morning so we would be just ready to go. We met up with others from the club at a motorway services, an hour away then we all drove in tandem style to the show, another hour away. It was an okay show, but definitely all cars. If you like seeing 20 Porsches, 20 BMW’s, 20 Kit cas, then thats the show for you, but I would prefer a few general stalls, a car boot sale or jumble sale, just something other than cars. But it was nice weather, certainly caught the sun, relaxed, reading my book. Just what the doctor ordered for both of us.

But earlier in the morning I took the dogs out before we left, and something happened to Muffin as she started limping badly. We did meet a bouncy, big dog whom we’ve never seen before, I wasn’t watching when the dog first bounded up to ours, so I’m wondering if the dog bounced up to Muffin, maybe crashing into her or making her run away, twisting her leg. When E came home, he checked on her, she wasn’t putting her leg down and was crying. How to make me feel guilty, going out when my baby hurt her leg. Anyway, I ended up asking my Mother-in-law to go to ours and check on her, incase she needed to go to the on-call vets, but she gave her some different medicine and told me to give her more in the evening, let her rest and see in a few days if it gets better. She gave her leg a good feel around, didn’t think anything was broken or dislocated, so this made me feel better. We’re all experienced with dogs so usually we can decide what’s the best treatment, without needing the vets.  Coming home she wasn’t putting her leg down, but she came over and welcomed us home like she normally does, ate her dinner, slept well, so I’m hoping with rest, it’s just a pulled muscle or she’s twisted it funnily. But hopefully she will not need the vets. It’s just a question of carrying her everywhere and like her mummy, she’s small for her weight. Let’s just say she’s a small, chunky, dog princess. Yes, I’m a BBW, she’s a SCDP. LOL.

Today it’s hospital with L, then as Master has the day off, we will go for a little drive in the Mev and maybe let me have a go. Fingers crossed. Will keep you posted on that one.

Becoming a member of the Clatterbridge family.

When you lead a relatively healthy life, well if you put my disability and chronic pain to one side, you tend not to think of others who are going through an awful time in hospital. That was until I began taking my best friend, L to the Clatterbridge Cancer Unit, so she could have her radiation treatment.

This Unit is like one big family, everyone is called by their first name, you are designated one pod waiting area, the pods were given the names of trees. L was in Cherry. Apparently in the room where the zapping takes place there is a big cherry tree painted on the ceiling. The cute male nurse puts on jazz music for L whilst she’s in there but there is a selection of music and the nurse will remember who likes what music so it’s ready for the next person.

But sitting in the pod waiting for L’s turn, you meet the same people every day, From day 1, you begin to feel like you’re part of the family. Everyone discusses what treatment they are having but all in a positive manner, not one person had a bad day, It is what it is, they say. We can only hope. I’m not sure I could be so positive but L thinks I would be. One lady bought L some homemade scones, her hubby has prostate cancer, and we’ve chatted a lot whilst waiting. One conversation was how much stuff you put in your handbag, I would say most women would carry so much shit in their bags it’s ridiculous. I’m one of those women. But this lady carried sellotape and glue too. She said if she is out and has to buy a gift, wrap it up and take it to the person on the way home, she would have no sellotape, so that’s why she had sellotape. She makes hand puppets and is a puppeteer. So needed glue incase any material became unstuck. So I suggested having a small bag just for hospital visits. One big enough to take a book, phone, keys but thats it, as you are only going to the hospital. She thought it was a good idea, I told her that’s what I use, plus I have a small purse. There is no point carrying your main handbag when you go to hospital, or at least that’s my view, but she did agree with me. That afternoon me and L went to the supermarket and found a small bag, so we decided to buy it for her for a laugh. The next day, I wasn’t on duty so I had to wait until Thursday to see her. She was made up with the bag, and that there was a nice pink cupcake on it. She thanked us both, and we said, she didn’t have to use it really, it was just we couldn’t resist it when we saw it. She thanked us again and said she would use it.

Two people on Thursday rang the golden bell, had their photograph taken with their family and staff, it’s such a special occasion where everyone gets up, claps and cheers and usually a lot of us had a tear or two in our eyes. The conversation usually went to how long each person has got until they could ring that bell.

The patients are offered massages, pedicures, manicures as often as they wanted and L found out that I could get treated too as L’s carer. But I haven’t accepted this, as L has only two sessions left.

Considering the patient’s there all have serious health conditions, the love, kindness and friendliness makes everything seem so much better.


Hopefully come Tuesday it will be the end of L’s zapping but not the end of this awful drama. Blisters and sores are appearing on her boob, the rash she had on Tuesday has grown so her boob just looks like an over-ripe raspberry and she’s been told it will get much worse before it gets better as it takes up to 8 weeks for the radiation to leave the body. That’s quite a scary thought and it must take longer, the more zapping you have.

I think it’s just incredible how close we have all become, but the nice cute male nurse said usually no one speaks to each other, that this was the first group who have really enjoyed meeting every day and this surprised us.

Saying that, it’s not unusual for L to get everyone cheered up and talking to each other, she’s just one of those people who will talk to anyone, anywhere. Whereas I tend to just enjoy the quiet and read my book. If people start talking I would join in but generally, I’m one of those people that likes any excuse to read.

Now we hope and pray this drama will come to an end by the middle of the year, I think we should have a big party to celebrate.

L has been very very lucky for the cancer to be caught quite quickly, and hopefully become a cancer survivor, as we know many thousands who are still fighting just in our area alone.

Having places like Clatterbridge, make such a dreadful period become more pleasant, making each other smile, laugh and chat about anything. I hope there are more L’s around really, as she would make you smile and laugh during your darkest days.

I’m very lucky to have a best friend like L, we became friends at 7 years old, when our families were at the same badminton club, then by the time we started high school together, we were already best friends. This odd twosome, me very small for my age, her very tall for her age, just worked together, typically in our teens we had two arguments where we stopped talking for a few weeks but we always forgave each other and forgot about it. We’ve been together through thick and thin, feeling lost when L joined the Navy and left for other exciting things, but she came back to her roots and came back to our home town when she finally realised she needed help due to her own disability. So she packed up and headed back 5 years ago. Now we look after each other, each time we need an operation, the other person is there. The saying You Can’t Pick Your Family But You Can Pick Your Friends, is so true, She is my sister, Godmother to our son and she is loved a lot by us. So please say a prayer that this will soon be over and it can be forgotten, but the staff at Clatterbridge will never be forgotten for all the work they do, day in, day out. They all deserve a reward, even just a certificate to say thank you for what you do. To them it’s just their job, to us it’s to help save a loved one’s life. No gift can really show how much we appreciate them, but helping them enjoy their job too is a greater gift from L.