feeling down

Feeling extremely down.

Over the years I have suffered with some form of depression, I’m not ashamed of it or to say it, I feel people do need to be very open about it then maybe others can understand it more.

Postnatal depression was the first, thankfully not lasting too many years.

When I had my accident at work, 16 years ago and popped 5 discs, finding out I’d 5 degenerative discs in my lower back, followed by many many other health issues following on from my back injury, I was told I’d never be able to work again. At 34 years old, this became a very hard thing to accept. I was now disabled. I was treated terribly by my boss, who laughed at my injury, when I lost control my bladder she was hysterical. I think she believed I was putting it on, that my back hurt only a tiny bit, she had a bad back so I think she thought it was something and nothing, and as for my bladder, I do think she thought it was general leaking you get when you are older. Not a full out accident, I felt nothing of my bladder, until it became so full, I would wet myself. But I never knew it would happen or worse, where it would happen. Thankfully I had an operation a few years ago so I can now feel it.

But all this took a bad effect on me and I was back on anti-depressants, it took years before I could drive past where I worked, say its name, even longer to say my boss’s name. I’ve seen her twice in the 16 years since I left and each time I’ve wanted to punch her lights out, I see her smirk as I’m walking slowly, using a walking stick.

Now I just say, F**k You to myself, I’m better than her and I’ve still managed to have a great life. Which is only getting better.

I’ve not felt really down for quite a while, but I am still on my anti-depressant. 

This lockdown has slowly driven me up the wall. Having 16 weeks of lockdown, only going to the supermarket then to my parents or in-laws, I’m slowly going a bit mad.

I feel stressed, on edge, wanting to be f**ked, but couldn’t be bothered, wanting a play spanking but couldn’t be bothered. Food wasn’t interesting, not even chocolate, wasn’t bothered about having a drinkie, I was in an automatic state, get up, at stupid early morning hours, do my homework, do the housework, eat, vegetate in front of TV, eat, go to bed very early as I was falling asleep by 7pm.

Day in, day out.

Both Master and our son were working from home, but its become irritating, there are things I can’t do now, as it may disturb them. I can’t get in to tidy E’s bedroom. Now I know, he’s 20, he can do it himself, but as he works long days, I’m happy to do it, though I do nag him to tidy it up himself. All I’m doing is putting his clothes away or in the wash basket, bring down all his pots and empty his bin, so his room isn’t smelly. I guess I’m a soft mum and feel if I can do it, I will. I know he’s capable of doing it, as his girlfriend says he’s really tidy on holiday or when he stays at her house. And as I don’t work as such, my full-time job is a housewife, so this is one of my tasks. In truth, I don’t mind, even if I nag, he’s not gonna be living here forever, they’re saving for a house, So I will continue to do these little things for him. When I can get into his room. But Master has been saying he would like to work from home 4 days a week, something I said no to straight away. I love him dearly, to the moon and back but when he’s home he just loves to wind me up, then get E involved, it’s like their sole mission in life when home. I need that space for myself, to have the house to myself, not to hear them both talking whilst in meeting after meeting. I told Master I would start digging his grave if he began working from home permanently LOL. He just joked that I couldn’t dig the hole without his help, which is true. LOL. I’ve compromised and said 3 days at home, 2 days in the office if he can, that way our cleaner can come and hoover without worrying about disturbing him, and I get a full day of peace and quiet too. I thought the idea of him working from home would be ok at first, I’d see him more, it’s certainly made him seem more relaxed without the long travel to work and back, but he’s much busier when he’s home than in the office for some reason. But full time at home, no, no, no. What am I gonna do when he retires !!!!!

But I’m still tetchy, I know I’ve been grumpy with everyone, unfortunately I take it out more on Daddy which I hate and need to stop because it’s not fair. I feel my nerves on edge from the minute I’m up to going to bed,

The worry about this virus is affecting me mentally, worrying about my parents or inlaws catching it, about all the family catching it, I’ve not liked the idea of Daddy having to work but I know he has an essential job, exactly the same for Miss Adira. Master hasn’t left the house once since lockdown began, 16 weeks ago, even now as things opening up again neither him nor I have any intention of going out still. Master worries about me when I go to do the shopping, my immune system and resistance is very low due to all my health problems, and I can quickly pick something up and end up really sick for weeks. So this virus scares us both, I worry more about Mum and Mother-in-law, as their immune system is even worse, when they get sick, it’s months until they recover from it.

Then we’ve our lovely neighbours, single mum with 3 kids, now yes they’re reasonably polite, don’t swear at each other (yet) but the noise. The arguments, screaming, day and night, on a few occasions I’ve thought I should phone the police, Mum just lets the kids screech for hours, and I do mean hours. It’s not a cry out, just seems her youngest likes to screech all the time. The chance of a peaceful read in the garden has come to an end and as schools have been closed, you can tell the kids are bored, but Mum doesn’t do anything with them. She will gab over the garden fence to a family member, whilst kids go crazy. They used to climb on our fence all the time but I became a bear with a sore tooth, I was outside every few minutes for a few days to stop them climbing, making it sound like I was concerned about them coz if the fence breaks they will get hurt, I really am more bothered about our fence. But god, the noise, I’m trying to figure a way to say can you play a bit quieter, some days I can’t even hear the tv, they’re that loud. They play in the front and the back of the house, there’s no place for peace.

So lockdown/stay safe and sensible, it’s becoming a nightmare that isn’t ending. Then there’s the concern of a second round of the disease.  It’s like, will things ever improve.

Then my Miss Adira began saying she was going to set tasks to keep my mind occupied. I know she was worried about my mental state. The tasks would be fun things, it wasn’t a serious thing so if I didn’t get it all done, there would be no consequences, it was purely to keep my mind occupied and get out of the house. I will tell you about them in my next blog.