Apologies for my abscence.

I need to apologise for my absence over the last few months. My health has been poor, Miss Adiras health has been poor too. Then my 84 yr old mum took a turn, collapsing in the garden, unconscious for 10 mins. My 84 yr old dad phoned 999 then called me. I drove down to theirs as quick as possible. She had a further 6 episodes at home, in the ambulance and in A&E.

Four weeks later she’s had a pacemaker fitted but her dementia has declined considerably.

Mum and Dads house needed to be made suitable for when Mum returned home so we’ve had to put her in a care home, hopefully for only a couple of weeks. But it’s taken its toll on me mentally and physically and my poor Dad. My brother is a useless selfish son of a bitch, thinking 1 visit a week for 20 minutes is enough whereas me and Dad have been with her every day, apart from when we had our 5 day holiday. Which honestly feels like 5 years ago not 3 weeks ago.

Yesterday was a terrible day with mum, emotional, draining, and very upsetting. I broke down in front of Dad, something I’ve kept away from him, he doesn’t need to see me so upset as well as worry about Mum. But I just couldn’t cope.

I know Master, Daddy, Miss Adira, Dad, my inlaws and friends are very worried about me, I’m doing so much my back can’t take it, so every day my chronic pain is only progressing and my walking becoming more difficult. Coping with an hours sleep each night if I’m lucky, yesterday felt like the final straw.

I feel so close to having an emotional/mental breakdown, I don’t know what to do.

Family say look after yourself first, but you know your Mum is in a care home and your Dad is trying to deal with it, how can I be selfish and put myself first.

When I’m not with Mum, all I’m doing is worrying about her, or Dad or both, thinking about me doesn’t seem important.

Until Master said last night, “You have your own family, we need you, we see you pushing yourself, we see you dragging yourself there every day. But if your back goes worse because you’re doing too much now, you could end up in a wheelchair for the rest of your life, the rest of our lives. You need to think about that”.

Then Mis Adira told me she wanted a video call during the day. I knew why, she wanted to explain how worried she was, well how worried they all were. Yet more tears fell down, as they had most of the morning, but she made some valid points.

  1. Don’t stay so long.
  2. Plan to do a word search or crossword together then go. Or push her around the gardens in her wheelchair, have a coffee outside then go.
  3. Remember she’s in a good place now, with trained staff and you know she’s happy, coz you’ve spied on her numerous times and she’s been happily chatting.
  4. If she throws a tantrum just leave, let the staff deal with her, then it doesn’t upset you.
  5. Lastly, you want happy memories now, not memories of her being aggressive, nasty, upset. So not seeing her as often, gives you a break, focusing on your family, when you do see her you’re not as tired so you can cope better and plan a short visit, twice a week. Arrange to spend a day with your Dad to give him some normal time too.

This last point was the one that got to me, it was so accurate and true. I told Dad what Miss Adira said and he said he was so happy I’ve got friends who really take the time to talk sense to you and then you to me.

Our plan of action possibly, is putting Mum in this care home 1 maybe 2 nights a week to give Dad a break or just go for the day. It can be time he can do things for himself, we could go out for part of the day, go out for lunch, just get us both out doing something together.

On Tuesday I got a very blunt phone call from Social Services. They had put together a care plan so Mum had to be out of the home on Friday by 12.30. I explained that there was no way she could come home this week as the bathroom was still not finished. She was very strict about how we knew she had to leave there soon, but I will give you until Monday. My bosses will probably go mad but I will say she can stay until Monday, by 12.30pm, she must be out. If you choose to keep your mum there, then it must be funded by yourselves. If you do that then the care package will no longer be available either. So you would have to pay for the care package yourselves.

Now the care package lasts for 6 weeks, we can’t afford to miss it. After much discussion, we decided to just bring Mum home on the Monday, the carer starts that evening, then we have 6 weeks to find our own carer too.

But there was the problem of the home equipment for her, she hadn’t got a walking frame, wheelchair, toilet frame, raised toilet seat, Dad hadn’t got a bed for downstairs, they needed more bedding and a dryer.

So I spent one afternoon going through what we needed, Dad looked it through and agreed so that was ordered, he found a bed and we got that ordered too. Yesterday he found some new bedding he liked, so he bought some more. We think we are ready for her but now we had the job of telling Mum. So we went the following day and found mum doing a puzzle book in the lounge. For the first time in 2 months, she actually looked like Mum, and we had a lovely visit.

I told Mum the good news that she was coming home on Monday but there was a deal she had to make. To get her to use the walking frame and wheelchair, we said, You have to use the walking frame at home and the wheelchair. This is the Drs orders, if you don’t use them they will immediately bring you back to the home so you must use them. We don’t want you back here for that reason. She took all this in, Can I not walk ever again ? She asked, I said, Of course you can walk a little, but the chair is there to help you when you are tired. Plus it means when Dad needs to go out, you can go too. So you can get out of the house again. It will be much better for both of you. But you have to agree to use them, well we will not be giving you a choice.  The good news is you can come home on Monday.

I know life will be more crazy once she’s home, it will be very hard on Dad, but all we can do is the best we can. For now Dad and I need to try to rest whilst she is happy in the home.

And swearing yet again.

So Monday was a very bad day for me, I spent the day with mum and Dad, it was Dad’s birthday so we went for lunch. It was a lovely day, but ended a bit upsetting. Mum’s dementia switch went off, she went from being Mum to this stranger in Mum’s body, claiming I was in a mood with her and was giving her filthy looks. All nonsense, but to her it seemed real. It seems unfair to go and leave Dad to cope with Mum, but past experience has shown, it’s best to go, if she’s having a tantrum about me. Dad can calm her down better.

I always think I’ve accepted that Mum has Dementia and Alzheimer’s, but when the stranger appears, and vile, horrible things start coming out of Mum’s mouth, it affects me deeply. By the time I got home and told Master it really had upset me.

Master says I need to just let these comments pass over my head, but it’s hard to do that. He thinks until I can do that, every time Mum changes it will upset me. I guess I think he’s right, but it’s easier said than done when it’s someone so close to you.

Emotions and tiredness turned me into a moody brat. And instead of taking it out on Master, I took it out on Daddy, Master wasn’t well so it didn’t seem a very nice thing to do to him. But it wasn’t nice for Daddy either.

But he’s now experienced my grumpy moodiness when I’m tired. And my potty mouth also comes out.

Daddy asked what I said, I told him, Dave’s done a shit in the front garden. (That’s one of the dogs.)

Daddy laughed but then reeled off a whole load of other things I could have said, that didn’t include a swear word. This got me truly pissed off. I told him that I imagined he would say a whole selection of naughty words, had it been him, could I say those words. Knowing of course I couldn’t. Daddy firmly told me that his little girl would not use bad language. I said I was having an early night before any more words came out as I could feel a huge major brat attack coming on. I then told him I was not hacked off with him, tiredness, grumpiness and Mum is not a good mix.

I said I refused to reply to him, in case any BAD WORDS COME OUT.

His reply came quickly, LITTLE MINXS YOU NO BETTER. GO TO BED, NO TV.

Sending me to bed, no TV, “Master, can Daddy do this?” “Is it in your rules?” He asked, “No don’t think so.” I told him. “Then it needs to be in the rules, outlining any punishment he may want to give you.”

 

From here I’ve done something a bit naughty. Daddy video called when he got home from work today, Thursday, he said I looked absolutely shattered and needed an early night. I said I was, I was struggling to write my blog, so he told me to put it away until tomorrow. But I wanted it done today, so as soon as I hung up from Daddy, I continued to write it. Then tomorrow I’ve just got to work on my maths to catch up on. Thats 12 pages from last Sunday until tomorrow. Daddy said to do 4 pages tomorrow then every day do an extra page until I’m up to date but I would like to get them done. If I can. I’ve only got the blog from yesterday with Daddy to catch up on. I hate being so late writing my blogs. Oh and I’ve got to post photos too. Anyway let’s continue in secret to write the blog. Secret, why on earth did I put that, I know full well he reads them all. Oh well I could write it then post it tomorrow but I’d only end up admitting what I’ve done so let’s just finish it off.

 

Now this is where nice kind Daddy needs to stand firm and not allow me to act this way, no matter the reason or excuse.

Daddy apologised for being narky, he just doesn’t want me to use bad words. But Daddy said he needs to understand when you’ve had a poo day, I told him then, poo day or not, I should NOT take it out on him, I wouldn’t take it out on Master, I would just go to bed. It’s showing respect to Master and you, not disrespecting you both by taking my mood out on them..

Anyway, that night I had an early night, but had a terrible nights sleep again. After a week of little sleep, I’m not the best slave / little at all.

Tuesday morning, Daddy checked in on me to see if I was in a better mood and more importantly, did I get a good sleep. I said my mood was slightly better but I had another bad night.

“Right well your punishment for swearing yesterday is I want you to suck on a bar of soap for 3 minutes and video it.” He messaged me.

“Right Daddy, well I’ve sworn twice more so do I just add another 2 minutes to it.” I asked moodily.

“Yes please Little Minxs.” Daddy told me.

So whilst doing Daddy’s lines I did my soaping too.

Now the punishment did state I was to suck on a soapy bar of soap.  I ran the soap under the tap until it went softer and a little soapy. By the time I was ready to video it, the soap was drier and the soapy bubbles had all gone. But it had been soapy.

I placed it in my mouth, my tongue was up and held it there until the time was up, which was fine, until J watched the video.  She said to Daddy, “Have you watched the video yet ?” “No, I’ve not yet, why ?” Daddy asked her. “Little Minxs is not sucking on the soap, she’s just holding it between her teeth.” J told him. “Let me see,” Daddy said, watching the video. “The cheeky Little Minxs.”

On the Wednesday when we were together, Daddy told me about the soaping, telling me that J spotted it. Well I couldn’t hide my amusement, I giggled the entire time he told me I’d been caught out. Such a brat. LOL

I tried to convince him that he had not said suck on a bar of soap but he wasn’t falling for it. Next time I will be more specific.

If Master said a mouth soaping, this would mean rubbing the soap along my teeth top and bottom, inside and outside teeth, rub insides of both cheeks and rub over tongue then hold soap in your mouth with your tongue down.

So Daddy said, “Don’t you worry Little Minxs, I know what you’re going to do. You’re going to cut a cube of soap off, and SUCK ON IT until it has gone.”

“Yeah yeah, okay.” I said, like that’s gonna happen. God, I’m gonna regret saying this aren’t I.

Another punishment he will give me will be an ice cold shower when either he or Master is home to ensure it goes on ice cold. Somehow he doesn’t trust I will do my punishment properly.

Me,  Daddy !!!!!!!!!!   Of course I will. ( My feet were crossed writing this down, so technically it’s not a fib. )

So now I think I’m up to date with the blogs, except for our day together yesterday when we visited my favourite piercer, and went to 3 other places too. But we had a lovely day. I’ll will fill you in on that one tomorrow. Don’t think I’ve sworn in this blog, I have reread it about 4 times to be sure, but not sure if I swear in the blogs, if that’s okay or not. I need to find out and it should be in the rules, one way or the other.

The dynamic is still only new so it’s quite normal to be adding onto the rules or putting more detail in. Maybe it’s something we should do together, I think I will suggest that. Anyway, it’s nearly 7.30pm, Daddy told me to get an early night so I think I’m going to go up in a minute. Least I’ve done that bit right then. Master is away til tomorrow and who knows where E is, as usual I’ve had no message to say he’s going out. More words will be said about this. Anyway, nightie night all of you kinky F*****s, enjoy your evening.

Results day.

Yesterday was a nervous and stressful day, it was results day for my best friend, L, had the cancer gone? was her swollen armpit something sinister? How is her breast / scar?

Also the memory clinic was coming to see mum and dad, giving mum the results from her latest memory test. Previous results have been 80/100 but the last one fell down to 50/100. I had asked to be there so I could ask questions and also just be another ear to listen to what they said. Now originally when dad gave me the date it was the 5th july. I remember saying, oh I’m glad it’s not on the 4th as I’m going with L to get her results. Anyway, dad said he didn’t want me there as he knew mum wouldn’t be happy about it. Nothing unusual there, but I felt it was important I was there, dad does forget things, doesn’t hear well and won’t speak honestly in front of mum whereas I would. But everytime I asked to be there for these appointments, mum has thrown a fit so dad would tell me not to come. Two weeks ago dad changed his mind and said yes come. Knowing my parents I waited until closer to the date for him to change his mind. They phoned on Monday, supposedly dad had discussed the impending appointment with mum and they would like me to be there, but he then said the date was the 4th, not the 5th. I said you told me the 5th, I remember saying oh thank god it’s not the 4th because I was going with L. He said no it’s the 4th. So I intended to go round early, spend some time with them, then hopefully be there for when the people arrive before I had to go to L’s house.

So yesterday I was getting ready to leave when dad phoned. Mum was hysterical, why were the memory clinic coming again? Why are you coming? I don’t need anyone around to tell me my memory is going. Dad said he mentioned they were coming at breakfast time and that I was coming and she just went mad. What am I forgetting? Write it down so I know, your dad is never happy, I can’t do anymore than I’m doing, I cook, clean, do the laundry, garden, shop, but he’s never happy. In truth mum has done nothing except sleep for a few years now. There was no calming her down, these tantrums are not new, she will throw them to get what she wants and it works. Dad has always given in.

Dad told me not to come. I phoned an hour later to see if things had calmed down but mum was still at it. By this time we got the usual comments, I’m useless, if I’m not doing anything, I may as well be dead, I’m a fucking waste of space. I tried calming her down but she wouldn’t stop her barricade, if I’m that bad, I’d rather be dead, why can’t you just leave my memory alone, you talk about it non-stop.   

I don’t know how dad copes with this, though he is used to these outbursts, but over the last few years, these tantrums have become much worse. In the end dad just put the phone down. In the evening I phoned them again to see what the memory clinic said, mum was still going, anyway they never turned up. Now will they come today, like dad originally told me?

One of the big problems I have is I can’t speak to dad alone, he puts the phone on loudspeaker and always brings mum into the conversation even though she never speaks, I’m going to phone him about 8am today, hopefully mum will be asleep so I can find out just what happened yesterday. The problem is dad still doesn’t get the fact that mums brain just isn’t the same. You can’t ask her opinion, ask what she’s done, you have to think ahead and these days you have to lie so she thinks we’ve discussed it and agreed to it. But dad still sees it as a betrayal, it must be terribly hard for him after over 50 years of marriage he now has to make the decisions for them both. Dad should never have told mum who was coming, or that I was coming. I had planned on popping around to see them and oh I didn’t know anyone was coming today, pretending it was all a surprise. Instead by telling her, she’s had time to throw a tantrum until she got what she wanted, and that was me not going, he doesn’t help the situation. Dad is going to phone the clinic today and find out why they didn’t come, we need help, how do we prevent these tantrums, how do we give her, her meds as she refuses to take them and dad won’t crush them into food as he sees it as deceitful instead of helping. I can only advice dad, it’s up to him to do it, but at what point do I say, you are not helping, and I have to take over. As I can see this happening.

 

But the fantastic news is that L has been given the all clear. The dr said, I like it when I have to say this but get lost, I don’t want to see you again, I don’t want you back here again. Go and start this new chapter of your life, get used to the new you with your breast like it is.It’s a new beginning.

I think we were in shock. Her breast is still swollen, her swollen armpit is just her body healing, getting the radiation out of her body. Her breast is still tender but will go in time, the scar tissue will heal but still feel hard. But he is very happy with the results. She will go for regular mammograms now, if there are any change she feels or sees in her breast, she must phone the cancer clinic immediately, don’t go to your GP first. I said I wanted the phone number and told her mum she must have the number too, just incase we need it for L. So this appointment lasted less than 5 minutes, by the time we were back in the car, I think we were all shocked, in a dazed state of happiness, wanting to cry with relief but no tears would come. We went for dinner on the way home to celebrate. Now she can look ahead, unfortunately this means facing more operations as both knees are giving way again, she thinks one knee will need a full replacement again, and the other she thinks will need a hinge replacement, both big operations. But they are causing so much pain, and getting around physically is becoming hard work. But she’s had these operations before so she knows what to expect.

So that was my day yesterday, a nervous, stressful but happy day.

Dementia / Alzheimer’s really sucks.

This is a blog mainly for myself, I needed to write down what I was feeling, regarding our life, Mum and how her dementia affects me.

 

Today I want to talk a bit about something that has become close to my life unfortunately, the devastating mental disease alzheimers / dementia.

We have known Mum was ill with this suspected disease for 6 years or longer. Over and over the memory tests came back as Mild Cognitive Impairment. This basically meant early alzheimer’s or dementia. In the 20 minute assessment the memory team could “ tell “ there was no change to Mum’s failing memory. They wanted no information from us, they only gauged it on the list of questions they asked in every visit. Mum started at 80/100, then stayed on 70/100 for a few years. Then a few weeks ago, it had suddenly dropped to 50/100. The team have finally agreed there is a problem, so she was going away to decide on a diagnosis and a care plan. She asked if they felt that medication would help, Dad said he thought it would be. But as we can’t get any medication inside her will adding to the number help. She has 7 tablets daily, 2 are too big so Dad breaks them in half so she has 9 a day, but at the most she may take only 2 or 3.

I know I should be happy that we may have a diagnosis but to be honest, I came to except Mum had dementia a long time ago. Dad on the other hand has only recently accepted it, finally seeing what we’ve seen all along.

The memory team were returning for another appointment, to explain what they want to do now. I wanted to be there, Dad agreed at first but now has changed his mind, Saying it may upset Mum if I’m there. Personally I’m not bothered if it upsets her, I need to know what they think, I need to tell them things and ask questions but Mum wouldn’t be happy about it. But also she would forget about it eventually too. But Dad said no.

Now I have the trouble of getting Dad to realise the help available will be of benefit to him. Such as a gardener, I know they won’t have a cleaner, but they could use a laundry facility that picks up and delivers their laundry, lastly a big thing to help would be ready meals, freshly made, companies will deliver them, put them in your freezer and it contains all the vitamins etc you need. A big help would be to have a carer to come in, just to give Mum her medication, maybe she will take them for them, though I’m not sure. Online we discovered many people suggested crunching the meds up and putting them in yoghurts or scrambled egg, I told Dad this, he thought it was a good idea.

What always happens though is Dad changes his mind, I think he feels like he’s betraying her by making all the decisions on his own, he always says, I will discuss it with Mum. But Mum can’t make those decisions as she still thinks she is doing everything, gardening, cooking, cleaning, laundry. Dad needs to understand he needs this help and be quick thinking to reply to Mum if she finds out Dad has someone doing these chores. I can understand why Dad feels awkward, Mum has always been the head of the family and now Dad needs to do it. I feel frustrated because I feel I can’t do anything until Dad starts to help himself. But he’s more concerned with making sure she doesn’t get upset, if she finds out about these things, and she will throw a major tantrum but she would get over it and then forget about it. Of course this may mean, she throws a tantrum regularly if she sees someone in the garden, picking up laundry. But at some point Dad needs to stand firm and just do it. Maybe I’m being harsh about it, I just see all of this on the outside and so does Master, my Dad’s sister and even E has suggested it when he has been around to see them.  I go through feeling guilty about feeling this way, I’ve tried putting my foot down, getting all the information for him, but its got to be him making the choices.

 

But why I needed to write the blog is how this disease can confuse me so much, like I know why she acts the way she does, but I still find myself questioning it.

Yesterday I went round to see them unexpectedly, Mum was in a lovely mood, like the old Mum, I always say, we sat in the garden and had a lovely catch up. Then we decided to go inside as it was quite hot out. She sat down and it was like a switch turned off, she started to doze off, Dad brought us a drink and I wanted to show them 2 videos that were of me getting in and out of Master’s new kit car. Now maybe she didn’t understand it, but there was no giggle or conversation about it. So it ended with me mainly talking to Dad. Though I always look at them both so Mum feels she is part of the conversation. But the switch had changed, if we tried to engage in a conversation, we got, I don’t know, I’m useless, I’m a waste of space, I’m just a midget, I shouldn’t be here, I’m just a little small shit.   Mum never swears.

This is the time I lose patience, I will not pander to her pity comments like Dad always does, because I don’t think it works. Dad has spent years doing this, instead of almost telling her off, telling her she can’t be these things, with all she has done in her life. She can’t have no confidence when she’s been a teacher, plus gone on stage playing the piano for different choirs, even travelling Europe for choir competitions. This is not the disease talking though, this is how Mum sees herself, and has done all her life. Dad has never built up her confidence, he says, there there to her instead.

Now I’m a bit similar to Mum, I don’t have a lot of confidence, but what’s the point complaining about being small, or curvy, I am what I am, plus Master has never allowed me to pity myself, he doesn’t pander to my insecurities, instead he builds me up, the change in me since I started to go out with him, plus have his parents build me up too, my confidence is so much greater. Yes I don’t like going to new places or mix with new people, even people I know, I feel nervous, but soon I would relax into it. And I would chat with anyone, Mum would never do that unless someone comes to speak to her, she’s never joined in by herself. She will sit with a stoney, almost bitchy evil look on her face, which in all honesty, no one would feel like going to speak to this person who looks like that. Plus she’s of the age where you should make eye contact when talking, something a lot of us don’t do, we may be looking at the TV, looking around, on your phone, this annoys her, that’s when we get the pity talk. Again this has been Mum all her life, So all these things come out fiercely when the switch changes.

The pity talk began, Dad sensed it too, so went to make another drink, bringing Mum a glass of milk. “What’s that for ?” She asked quite nastily.”It’s for your tummy, it helps soothe it.” But I’ve not mentioned anything about it ?” She said. “You have sweetie, plus you’ve been rubbing your tummy.” Dad replied patiently. “Well if you can tell my tummy is sore, even though it’s my tummy, I suppose so. I must be useless because I don’t think I am.” She was very angry. Then Dad asked,  “If I didn’t mind would I go home as he needed to have his afternoon nap.” I said “Yes of course, I was going to go now anyway.” “A nap ?” Mum said. “Since when do you have a nap. We never have a sleep during the day, what are you talking about.” She was furious. Dad tried to calmly, carefully explain that they did in fact have a sleep in the day. “Well we might have one if we are sick, but we never sleep in the day.” She started shaking violently, as Dad tried to say that he just needed a sleep today, trying to stop the conversation of having an afternoon nap. When the truth is Mum sleeps most of the day, and they both always have an afternoon nap every day. But it was too late, she was livid, like, how dare Dad suggest such a thing about them. Saying such a negative thing about them, we should be put down if we need an afternoon nap. I said I often have an afternoon nap, if I feel I need one, I will go to bed. This didn’t help.

So trying to change the subject, I said come out and see me to my car. We walked to the car, but I could clearly see Mum was really angry, I gave her a kiss and hug, saying see you soon, like I always do. I got a, yes maybe you will, back from Mum. I ignored the comment, I’m used to them, hugging Dad, I got into the car and saw Mum’s face still fiercely angry and her body shaking.

I drove home, waving to them until they were out of sight.

This is a usual typical visit to see Mum now, you have to be so careful with what you say so this switch doesn’t change, as once it’s gone, it could take hours before she’s back again. But I also know she would be asleep within 10 minutes of me leaving. Even though I know what causes this change in her, I still get confused by it. When I told Master and E they both said, you know what it is, why are you questioning it. I think it’s still me not accepting it fully, it’s horrible seeing this switch to her personality, one minute she’s Mum, next second she’s acting like this wild woman or she just sits there, like the shell of mum is there but no one is inside.

 

Anyway, I just had to write this mainy for me, it helps me deal with it better. Sorry to blog about a sad part of my life. Dementia / alzheimer’s really sucks.

Need to talk and let my emotions out. This is unrelated but dementia sucks.

Unrelated but dementia sucks.

 

Sorry not related to my normal blogs, but had a rough meet up with my folks today, seen Mum has a new issue which is becoming much more noticeable worried me.

Came home, phoned my mother-in-law, broke down, she gave me some words of advice, one was go on the Alzheimer/dementia website, look through what day care centres there are. Though I’m not convinced we could get her to go.

Whilst looking through, I spotted a support phone number. 5 years ago when Mum was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment, basically early dementia, I went to the support office, only to be told because she was not fully diagnosed with dementia, they could not help. We couldn’t even go to the coffee mornings just to meet up with other families. The memory tests proved she was just below the score line of full dementia and it’s been like this really every since. We’ve had to figure out ourselves the best way to deal with it all.

Anyway, I looked at this phone number, my hand going to get the phone a few times. I don’t know why I was hesitant, I thought I’ve accepted it, but still I hesitated. I rang the number, very nearly putting the phone down then a lady answered. I didn’t speak for a second, as this woman said hello, managing a garbled brief explanation for my call before breaking down again, this lady was so so kind, I told her I wished I phoned at the beginning but we talked for nearly an hour and a half, before she said she would put everything in an email, but phone back if I get nowhere with her ideas. I thanked her so, so much, but felt an emotional wreck. When Master came home he listened to everything, he gave me more suggestions plus reminded me of somethings he suggested before. This time I wrote them down, I’m not sure what the future holds, well yes of course there’s the one big thing I’m not going to mention, at 82 I just want mum happy for her remaining years in life.

It really is one of the meanest diseases around, the person you love just becomes a shell of who they used to be. There in body, gone in mind.

Anyway, I needed to write this down for me, I’m not looking for sympathy or anything, I just needed somewhere to vent my emotions.