My blog for September.

How can each month pass by so boringly?

COVID is really getting on my nerves, I feel like part of me is missing, so desperate to touch Daddy and DiDi, it’s been months since we last went to their house and spend the night together and now, according to the new law, we will not be seeing them for the next few months at all. It will be back to having a quick conversation over the garden fence.

Obviously, I am not alone in feeling COVID is getting on my last nerve. Since February, my life has been going to Tesco to food shop for us, my folks, and my inlaws. Drop off the shopping then back home. I’m becoming much more cautious, I wear a mask in the car now, nevermind when I’m in the shops.

It’s infuriating at the supermarket, when people are in the queue to disinfect the trolley we are using, then put antibacterial gel on our hands, yet some people just bypass both, walk straight in, who knows what they then touch. Plus some idiots still don’t wear masks even though it’s the law.

Anyway, as I mentioned in my last blog, I’ve been doing these walking challenges and I’m now on my 4th. Now I choose the medal I like first, then whatever the walk is, I will do. The one for September was 10.1 miles, 16.2 km. I reckoned it would probably be over a month before I finished it, but I smashed it. I started on Sept 1, I finished it Sept 28. I was so chuffed, this was a HUGE accomplishment for me. I’ve had a few walking goals I had been trying to do, (walking to different parts of town, around different blocks, seeing different places), don’t forget I’ve not walked like this for over 8 years. Even when I damaged my back, I would try to walk and fight against the pain, but now, my meds are helping with the pain, I’m finally seeing a loss on the scales, and losing weight gradually, so my walk, though still very very slow, is becoming a little easier. Some days I’m done in after it, there’s no way I can do anything else for the rest of the day, so I think those walks were too long. I’m amazed how much I am enjoying it, still listening to my Nashville soundtracks, doubt that will ever change. I did one long walk that was really too long, stupid of me to try. My thoughts were, I used to manage this walk with our dogs, years ago, but I got ¾ through it before I began thinking I can’t do it, I’m going to have to take a shortcut, but stupidly my sensible head was gone, so I pushed and pushed and continued. When I got home, oh boy my back, my hips were killing and I was like this for 3 days. So I cannot do that again and I should know better. I am now aiming for some Christmas medals, the one I’m doing now is called Shelf to 5 km, a cheeky elf medal, there were 2 varieties, elf with a blue background or an elf with a clear glittery background, or you can do the walk twice or buy them both. I bought them both mainly because there are another 3 Christmas medals I’d like to achieve before the end of the year. I just have to wear my big girl panties and go for walks in all weather. It won’t do me any harm having a walk whilst it’s raining.

My biggest walking challenge had to be me walking to the local Mercedes dealership, okay it’s only a 0.22 km, 0.14 mile walk, it was a walk I did regularly and I was determined to do it. I finally did it on Tuesday. I knew I was grinning like a Cheshire cat. The first person I wanted to tell was Miss Adira, only because we had chatted about this a few times. I took a selfie to show the gang and the best thing was I wasn’t sore after it. Master said he was really proud of me doing this walk and doing that challenge in less than a month. I think we both thought it would take much longer to complete and I know he worries about my back as he knows I can push myself far too much, to the point I’m in agony for weeks and can’t do anything.

Anyway, what else has happened…our poor kittykat had to have an operation last week, it’s her first operation and at 131/2 yrs old, that’s pretty good. But she had an “old age” lump growing on the side of her back leg. Last year it was infected, that’s when the vet said it was “an old age lump.” Then typically when the main lockdown happened in March, it became infected twice but I managed to clear it as we couldn’t get an appointment at the vets. But this time it looked nasty, so we went and as we suspected, the vet said it needs to come off. The next day after a fight getting her in the catbox, I left her with the vet. Picking her up about 3pm, leave her in for the next week or so, bring her back on Tuesday to take the dressing off, the nurse told me. As I had asked, she had a very nice pink dressing on. We had to buy a new litter tray and litter because we didn’t own one, she’s never used them. Thankfully for 2 days, she was just wanting to sleep. But the following day, we can safely say she was not happy, she wanted to go out. So putting a dog sock over her dressing, we let her go. Now I know this was against recommendation, but we know our kittykat, she will feel better going out for half an hour, then back inside to go to sleep. On her final check-up, she needed to wear a cone to stop her from touching it and told do not let her out for 2 weeks. OMG. Yeh, the cone lasted 10 minutes, we let her out, she came in a bit later looking happy and so far, she is doing great. Now I know some may say we shudda followed what the vet said but we’ve had many pets and we can tell what is best for it. But we are watching her wound daily so if I think we’ve gone wrong, she will be back at the vets.

Now the other big, huge thing to tell you is Master and I are now the proud owners of a white van. Why is that so interesting, you may ask, well we are converting it into a campervan. Literally pulling everything out, down to the shell and starting from the beginning. We have never done anything like this before. Master is going through his mid-life crisis still and his need / love for speed is becoming worse. Getting fed up with speeding cameras, police on the road, he discovered there were no speed restrictions on the water. So my non-swimming partner decides he wants a jetski. He did a day of training, using a jetski and passed the test. So all his kit cars sold, we bought a van to convert, ordered a brand new 2021 jetski which will arrive just before Christmas, and ordered a little scooter to put on a bike rack. This way, if we are parked for the day or night and realize we have forgotten something, rather than having to store everything away in the camper to drive to the shops, he can pop on the scooter and go. So this a brand new scooter arrives next week. 

We are hoping to have our first night away in the camper by Spring next year, maybe we can get a day trip in it before Christmas. Master has watched countless hours on YouTube about how to do this and that, plus I am even getting to use mechanical, scary tools !! Something Daddy was slightly worried about, as he thought I may end up cutting a finger off or something like that. 

I must say I never thought at 51, I would be doing this, but I am having so much fun and enjoying working side by side with Master. Though he does enjoy watching my chaotic way of working but I think this is improving slightly. 

When we were putting the soundproofing in, Master did say, when we put the harnesses on the ceiling, to make a St Andrews Cross, no one will hear a thing. Plus put harnesses where the bed will be, so I can be tied to the bed. Not sure if this will happen, but the idea is rather fun and exciting.

So I suppose even though I said it was a bit of a boring month, reading this, I’ve done quite a bit. Anyway, let’s see what happens in October. Catch up later girls and boys.

Next rant of the week.

Seems my week for ranting rather than talking about the lovely play’s me and Master have. Or even the punishments. There seems to be no D/s in our life at the moment which is really upsetting me, I do need to speak with Master about it, I long for it, need it to make my days go better, I function better with it, but for one reason or another Master seems to be distracted or he feels we don’t have the time alone much to play, but we used to still manage to continue D/s. Anyway that’s not the topic of today’s rant.

Today’s rant is my weight.

Over the 14 years since I became disabled my weight has piled on, not surprisingly really due to all the things I now can’t do. And over these years my parents have often lectured me about losing weight. And it does feel like a lecture. Now I know they are only saying this out of love and concern, but for me it just infuriates me. Today they said they would pay for the cost of going to Weight Watchers or any other class I wanted to go to.

Today was not the day to do the fat conversation when my pain level was way over 15/10 and I could hardly move. Plus I went to bed this morning, taking 2 diazepam but today it’s left me feeling really drugged all day.

These conversations always get me so mad because they’ve no idea how hard it is for me now. I hide my pain from them if I can, so they don’t see what I’m like day in day out. Yet they say they understand I can’t do exercises, go swimming, or go to the gym. My dog walk is such a slow pace, it certainly wouldn’t raise my heart beat, then there are days I can’t walk them at all.

And they know this. All this came from when I visited them on Monday. Dad said Mum has done nothing but talk about your weight since you came. I replied a bit meanly by saying well don’t forget she forgets what she just said. Then he asked the question no girl, whatever size you are, wants to be asked, Can I ask what weight you are ? No Dad you can’t. I replied, getting more frustrated. Well do you know what weight you are ? He asked. No Dad, I don’t. I told him.

Is there nothing the Drs can do for you ? He asked. No, I’ve tried the diet pill that basically means you leak oil out of your arse all the time unless you are eating very healthily, and it’s as disgusting as it sounds so I soon stopped them as with wearing no panties, it got pretty messy. But I didn’t say that bit to Dad lol.

But no other help other than going to the fat club in the hospital, but that is really for very very big people. As they work with them to lose weight to then have a gastric band or sleeve fitted. Then they continue working with them to help with the weight loss. Apparently I am nowhere near heavy enough to be granted for surgery. So unless you’ve about 20 grand to give me to go privately, surgery is not an option either. I told him.

Well can’t we pay for you to go to Weight Watchers, he asked. I don’t need to go to Weight Watchers, I would use Fitness Pal which is a free app on my phone. I replied. But when your pain is so bad, you just don’t care what you eat, you just want something quick and easy, something that doesn’t involve a lot of standing, plus when I’m in pain I want something nice to eat.

Food has always been my comfort.

What have you eaten today ? Dad asked.  Oh God Dad, I had toast with lemon curd at 5am, I went to bed at 9am, with a coffee, a chocolate chip muffin and the remaining matchmakers out of the box. About 9 sticks of chocolate. Then I fell asleep until 11am. At lunch we didn’t have much in so I used 4 very small slices of a crusty loaf that had gone a bit stale, put ham and some crumbled cheese on it and toasted it in the oven. Then I had a chocolate muffin. I told him. Yes I know it’s too much, yes I know it’s not healthy but frankly I just don’t care at the moment. Even G has asked for sweets as his stress has been high, I continued to say, I’ve been buying cakes, but not just 1 each, usually 2, sometimes more. E doesn’t eat them as he’s on the shakes so these are cakes for me and G. I said.

Well can’t you use the shakes E has ? Dad asked. No Dad, I’m not allowed to use the shakes anymore, if you remember when I went on the Cambridge Diet for 2 years, but with no stomach lining protector, all the meds I take went straight through my system. The anti-inflammatories caused so much damage to my small intestine, 5 years ago I needed a bowel realignment, a foot was removed due to it being covered in ulcers in various forms of growing or infected. This was the reason for 4 previous years of chronic tummy pain. The Drs learnt of my 2 years on the Cambridge Diet, claiming this was the cause as there was no food in my system for all that time because I was taking 3 shakes a day, there was no protection. Master or my GP would never agree to let me go on that again.

Plus since the operation, I can’t eat so many different foods, it’s quite hard to do a meal and the IBS has increased greatly.

The only way to try to dieting is by using the Fitness Pal app, which counts your calories for you, but of course this only works if you try yourself.

And I’m just not ready to try yet again, it’s always disheartening as I may lose ½ a pound, one week, then next week I could put a pound back on. I always do better if Master does it with me though, as we can help each other, prepare proper meals and it does work, the weight slowly comes off until I get to the plateau then nothing comes off after that.

Plus also Mum and Dad have forgotten Mum struggled with her weight all my life. She tried the Cambridge Diet when that first came out, she spent years going to Weight Watchers, she spent years just having a chunk of edam cheese and an apple as her main meal. I’m certain this is a hereditary problem.

I just get frustrated, yes I get angry and cross with them for mentioning it. Yes I know I’m very overweight, I’m not stupid, I see it every day, but my life rolls around the chronic pain I’m in, the struggles I face. Losing weight will make no difference to my pain. It’s got to come from me to start, and at the moment, this is not the time. I don’t appreciate the fat phone calls or conversations at my parents house, I know they worry about my weight and think if I lose 5 stone it would help with my pain, but even my Drs have said it will be good for you and your health but it will make no difference to your pain.

But also since we started our D/s life and I’ve started taking selfies and posting them on here, Fetlife and SpankingTube, the comments from people who love Big Beautiful Women, has also improved my confidence. In fact some people have said don’t lose weight, and since I got my new tattoo, I feel sexy in my body for the first time ever. But my parents will not be told about the tattoo, unless they notice it.

 

Anyway, rant over. Sorry it’s been one of those weeks where I’ve needed to rant.