I need to apologise for my absence over the last few months. My health has been poor, Miss Adiras health has been poor too. Then my 84 yr old mum took a turn, collapsing in the garden, unconscious for 10 mins. My 84 yr old dad phoned 999 then called me. I drove down to theirs as quick as possible. She had a further 6 episodes at home, in the ambulance and in A&E.
Four weeks later she’s had a pacemaker fitted but her dementia has declined considerably.
Mum and Dads house needed to be made suitable for when Mum returned home so we’ve had to put her in a care home, hopefully for only a couple of weeks. But it’s taken its toll on me mentally and physically and my poor Dad. My brother is a useless selfish son of a bitch, thinking 1 visit a week for 20 minutes is enough whereas me and Dad have been with her every day, apart from when we had our 5 day holiday. Which honestly feels like 5 years ago not 3 weeks ago.
Yesterday was a terrible day with mum, emotional, draining, and very upsetting. I broke down in front of Dad, something I’ve kept away from him, he doesn’t need to see me so upset as well as worry about Mum. But I just couldn’t cope.
I know Master, Daddy, Miss Adira, Dad, my inlaws and friends are very worried about me, I’m doing so much my back can’t take it, so every day my chronic pain is only progressing and my walking becoming more difficult. Coping with an hours sleep each night if I’m lucky, yesterday felt like the final straw.
I feel so close to having an emotional/mental breakdown, I don’t know what to do.
Family say look after yourself first, but you know your Mum is in a care home and your Dad is trying to deal with it, how can I be selfish and put myself first.
When I’m not with Mum, all I’m doing is worrying about her, or Dad or both, thinking about me doesn’t seem important.
Until Master said last night, “You have your own family, we need you, we see you pushing yourself, we see you dragging yourself there every day. But if your back goes worse because you’re doing too much now, you could end up in a wheelchair for the rest of your life, the rest of our lives. You need to think about that”.
Then Mis Adira told me she wanted a video call during the day. I knew why, she wanted to explain how worried she was, well how worried they all were. Yet more tears fell down, as they had most of the morning, but she made some valid points.
- Don’t stay so long.
- Plan to do a word search or crossword together then go. Or push her around the gardens in her wheelchair, have a coffee outside then go.
- Remember she’s in a good place now, with trained staff and you know she’s happy, coz you’ve spied on her numerous times and she’s been happily chatting.
- If she throws a tantrum just leave, let the staff deal with her, then it doesn’t upset you.
- Lastly, you want happy memories now, not memories of her being aggressive, nasty, upset. So not seeing her as often, gives you a break, focusing on your family, when you do see her you’re not as tired so you can cope better and plan a short visit, twice a week. Arrange to spend a day with your Dad to give him some normal time too.
This last point was the one that got to me, it was so accurate and true. I told Dad what Miss Adira said and he said he was so happy I’ve got friends who really take the time to talk sense to you and then you to me.
Our plan of action possibly, is putting Mum in this care home 1 maybe 2 nights a week to give Dad a break or just go for the day. It can be time he can do things for himself, we could go out for part of the day, go out for lunch, just get us both out doing something together.
On Tuesday I got a very blunt phone call from Social Services. They had put together a care plan so Mum had to be out of the home on Friday by 12.30. I explained that there was no way she could come home this week as the bathroom was still not finished. She was very strict about how we knew she had to leave there soon, but I will give you until Monday. My bosses will probably go mad but I will say she can stay until Monday, by 12.30pm, she must be out. If you choose to keep your mum there, then it must be funded by yourselves. If you do that then the care package will no longer be available either. So you would have to pay for the care package yourselves.
Now the care package lasts for 6 weeks, we can’t afford to miss it. After much discussion, we decided to just bring Mum home on the Monday, the carer starts that evening, then we have 6 weeks to find our own carer too.
But there was the problem of the home equipment for her, she hadn’t got a walking frame, wheelchair, toilet frame, raised toilet seat, Dad hadn’t got a bed for downstairs, they needed more bedding and a dryer.
So I spent one afternoon going through what we needed, Dad looked it through and agreed so that was ordered, he found a bed and we got that ordered too. Yesterday he found some new bedding he liked, so he bought some more. We think we are ready for her but now we had the job of telling Mum. So we went the following day and found mum doing a puzzle book in the lounge. For the first time in 2 months, she actually looked like Mum, and we had a lovely visit.
I told Mum the good news that she was coming home on Monday but there was a deal she had to make. To get her to use the walking frame and wheelchair, we said, You have to use the walking frame at home and the wheelchair. This is the Drs orders, if you don’t use them they will immediately bring you back to the home so you must use them. We don’t want you back here for that reason. She took all this in, Can I not walk ever again ? She asked, I said, Of course you can walk a little, but the chair is there to help you when you are tired. Plus it means when Dad needs to go out, you can go too. So you can get out of the house again. It will be much better for both of you. But you have to agree to use them, well we will not be giving you a choice. The good news is you can come home on Monday.
I know life will be more crazy once she’s home, it will be very hard on Dad, but all we can do is the best we can. For now Dad and I need to try to rest whilst she is happy in the home.