Sorry I’m just having a rant. Suffering with chronic pain sucks.
I’ve never hidden away from my disability since i joined Tube or Fetlife or from my own blog, I have always appreciated the kind messages left from fellow spankos.
Now I’m concerned the issue with my back has moved up my spine.
I’ve had degenerative discs in my lower back for the past 18 years. Surgeons will not do anything with it as there’s more chance it will become worse than better. So I’ve just had to deal with it.
But over the past 4 months or more, I’ve had very sharp, stabbing pain higher up my spine. Master says the muscles are very knotted and tight, but the pain, oh boy, it’s like the start of my back problems all over again. I’ve cried with the pain, very wobbly on my feet, cannot stand straight and I’m needing to hold on every time I am stood up. We think it covers 3 or 4 discs in the middle if my spine that feel different.
My emotions have been awful, you know the type of thing, telling Daddy and PiggyJ that they don’t deserve to be stuck with someone like me, they deserve a healthy couple, a load of rubbish I know, they knew about my disability and about Masters migraines from the beginning and happily signed up to be with us, through the good times and bad times, through the fun and the sad times. I got thoroughly told off by both of them for saying it, but I know they wouldn’t leave us. I know I didn’t mean it.
My mind goes into a jumble of pain, anger, then concern that Daddy and PiggyJ don’t deserve this in a relationship, that this isn’t what they wanted. I’m concerned that these issues are more serious, have I now got more degenerative discs ?
I can’t have MRI scans anymore due to the internal tens machine I have above my left buttock, so I’m not sure the drs could see any damage with a CT scan, it took many MRI scans before they found out what was wrong initially.
I’ve hardly been out since mid-December, cancelling dates with girlfriends. Daddy and Master have not let me go out shopping, Daddy has even done shopping for me on his day off and we’ve not been able to play for a few weeks. I have to beg to go out yet the answer is usually no.
Now it’s really getting me down, I can’t just spend my life lying down, I’ve a family to look after, pets that need me, my Dad needs me to help with Mum’s dementia and alzheimer’s yet I’m not able to do any of those things.
I’ve now made an appointment to see my GP, my mother-in-law is coming with me. We now have Bupa with Master’s job, but I’m not sure what this means for me, but I think it’s time I went for a check up.
I am truly hacked off with it now, it’s wearing me down, so exhausting, every movement is an effort. I don’t want to spend my life back on diazepam or something stronger like opiates. On top of this, I’m trying to lose weight, yet with doing no exercise, it’s almost impossible as I can’t even walk the dogs at the moment.
I need to get out of this low dip in my life, I hate feeling so down. I think a nice spanking may help but Master or Daddy won’t give me one yet. So I’m stuck in this box of pain that won’t shrink away and I can honestly say I’m extremely pissed off with it.
Master and E are doing everything they can to help me, it’s easier now E is driving as he can go shopping to. But they must get tired of seeing ne fed up, having to help me get up, get dressed, even get showered. E must get upset seeing me struggle, I know they’ve lived with this for 18 years too, they’ve had to change their lives, and it is very tiring on Master. He has a long day at work, a very stressful job, when he comes home it’s often not to relax, it’s to sort me out first. But we live/cope with it better, Daddy and PiggyJ joining us helps us too. Now when Master has to go away, I’ve got them to call if I’m really struggling. But being one big family is keeping me positive most of the time. Life us just shit at times, like now.