Just having a moan.

Sorry I’m just having a rant. Suffering with chronic pain sucks.

I’ve never hidden away from my disability since i joined Tube or Fetlife or from my own blog, I have always appreciated the kind messages left from fellow spankos.

Now I’m concerned the issue with my back has moved up my spine.

I’ve had degenerative discs in my lower back for the past 18 years. Surgeons will not do anything with it as there’s more chance it will become worse than better. So I’ve just had to deal with it.

But over the past 4 months or more, I’ve had very sharp, stabbing pain higher up my spine. Master says the muscles are very knotted and tight, but the pain, oh boy, it’s like the start of my back problems all over again. I’ve cried with the pain, very wobbly on my feet, cannot stand straight and I’m needing to hold on every time I am stood up. We think it covers 3 or 4 discs in the middle if my spine that feel different.

My emotions have been awful, you know the type of thing, telling Daddy and PiggyJ that they don’t deserve to be stuck with someone like me, they deserve a healthy couple, a load of rubbish I know, they knew about my disability and about Masters migraines from the beginning and happily signed up to be with us, through the good times and bad times, through the fun and the sad times. I got thoroughly told off by both of them for saying it, but I know they wouldn’t leave us. I know I didn’t mean it.

My mind goes into a jumble of pain, anger, then concern that Daddy and PiggyJ don’t deserve this in a relationship, that this isn’t what they wanted. I’m concerned that these issues are more serious, have I now got more degenerative discs ?

I can’t have MRI scans anymore due to the internal tens machine I have above my left buttock, so I’m not sure the drs could see any damage with a CT scan, it took many MRI scans before they found out what was wrong initially.

I’ve hardly been out since mid-December, cancelling dates with girlfriends. Daddy and Master have not let me go out shopping, Daddy has even done shopping for me on his day off and we’ve not been able to play for a few weeks. I have to beg to go out yet the answer is usually no.

Now it’s really getting me down, I can’t just spend my life lying down, I’ve a family to look after, pets that need me, my Dad needs me to help with Mum’s dementia and alzheimer’s yet I’m not able to do any of those things.

I’ve now made an appointment to see my GP, my mother-in-law is coming with me. We now have Bupa with Master’s job, but I’m not sure what this means for me, but I think it’s time I went for a check up.

I am truly hacked off with it now, it’s wearing me down, so exhausting, every movement is an effort. I don’t want to spend my life back on diazepam or something stronger like opiates. On top of this,  I’m trying to lose weight, yet with doing no exercise, it’s almost impossible as I can’t even walk the dogs at the moment.

I need to get out of this low dip in my life, I hate feeling so down. I think a nice spanking may help but Master or Daddy won’t give me one yet. So I’m stuck in this box of pain that won’t shrink away and I can honestly say I’m extremely pissed off with it.

Master and E are doing everything they can to help me, it’s easier now E is driving as he can go shopping to. But they must get tired of seeing ne fed up, having to help me get up, get dressed, even get showered. E must get upset seeing me struggle, I know they’ve lived with this for 18 years too, they’ve had to change their lives, and it is very tiring on Master. He has a long day at work, a very stressful job, when he comes home it’s often not to relax, it’s to sort me out first. But we live/cope with it better, Daddy and PiggyJ joining us helps us too. Now when Master has to go away, I’ve got them to call if I’m really struggling. But being one big family is keeping me positive most of the time. Life us just shit at times, like now.

6 thoughts on “Just having a moan.

  1. No words that I could say could lessen your situation with pain. However, having said that, Everyone around you seems perfectly fine to help you without getting fed up. I certainly understand how pain can rule your life. I have a way of coping with not being able to do stuff when in pain and that is to look at this from a different angle. It is in the nature of my submission. I often think that I am less than a good submissive or just a pain in my darling’s patootie. I often think he would be better off without me but if I ever voice those concerns I get a right royal telling off so I have learned to think and be another way. By resting, doing as I am told and never over taxing myself I am serving Him. I am taking care of his property. I am taking care of my self for me as well. We have to sometimes endure physical pain and at those times we have to open our hearts and let people show us their love. Be better soon hun ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, your words certainly ring true. Resting, doing as im told and taking care of his property is a very good saying. I am going to take that one and remember it. I know they are only saying things out of love, and i do appreciate it a lot.
      Unfortunately there is still my stubborn side that says, this job needs doing so regardless of what they say i will do it. Other times i just do it without thinking.
      Putting a wash on isnt hard, but carrying the laundry box, bending to put the laundry is, this is where i get into bother
      Daddy does get exasperated with me.
      Last night he told me not to do any jobs. Unfortunately as i was on video chat, Master was talking to PiggyJ, she caught me carrying a laundry box back from the laundry room. She shouted at me, Daddy shouted at me, the i took another box to washing machine to put in washing machine.
      I am my own worst enemy at times.ive asked if i can change the bed today, if he says no i will have to do as im told. J dont want to uoset him by disobeying him.
      Thank you for caring enough to reply and ive taken in your comment. In fact im gonna copy it into my notes so ive git it all the time.
      Thank you Pam xxxxx

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you sweetheart, things are marginally better, maybe 10%. I’ve actually had a drive out with Daddy, not a long one then out for lunch. It was nice to go out as I’ve been inside for 3-4 weeks now. But gosh I was exhausted lol. Xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

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