Since Saturday’s play, when I nearly had a panic attack because Master placed his hand around my neck, then asking Master if breathplay can never be done again, I’ve had a terrible guilty, disappointed feeling which just won’t go away.
And I don’t really understand it.
I feel like I’ve let myself down and disappointed Master.
Since we ventured into this journey, there’s been many things I said I would never do and over time Master has encouraged me to do them and learn to love it.
So I know it certainly wasn’t Masters fault, it was my fear that couldn’t go away.
I know Master would never do anything to hurt me deliberately and I know he watches me constantly during our play to ensure I’m okay, so that’s no concern. It’s all mental. This has been the only time I’ve felt scared, I mean real fucking scared. Of such a small thing like a hand barely touching my throat.
Yet this small thing renders me to hysteria.
Master hasn’t mentioned it again and we’ve not played since but I’ve got this awful feeling I’ve disappointed him by not trusting him, which of course I do 100%, I feel I’ve disappointed myself so Master could be feeling the same way. I need to talk to him about it but truthfully, I’m scared he will say I have. It will break my heart if he says those words.
Now comes the hard part though, if we talk about it and decide to try it slowly, very slowly, can I overcome my fear ? Am I better just leaving this alone ? Am I doing it just to please Master and if I am, is that okay ? I’m not sure how much of this play I could do. But this feeling of disappointment is so huge and just won’t go away.
But my fear is just as big as the disappointment. I don’t know what to do.